And There Were Raisins for Days

{Hmm I'm not sure what to blog about now after all those feeeeelings, but catching up is in order, and I have to start somewhere, so how about this?}

TODDLER FOR SALE, OR FREE TO GOOD HOME, COMES WITH UNLIMITED RAISINS

(!!!!!!)

Yes, I made her clean it up. I am a mean good mommy.

Obviously I would never give her away. (It's the internet, I feel like I have to clarify that. Stand down, pedants and social workers.) She's ours. Squashed raisins between her toes and all.

Sunrise, Sunset

Okay here's a thing I haven't blogged about yet because I can't seem to sneak it into posts about other things, yet also I don't want to make it a Big Thing (even though it kind of is) and also because good grief I have allllll the feelings about it, in ways that growing and growing up (like musicals and dance recitals and concerts and life stuff) always bring out -- that odd juxtaposition of excitement and nostalgia. You know, feelings. I've lost track of the number of times this week I've said sunrise, sunset and fought back tears about how everyone is growing and changing and it all just makes me ache. Which is good and also... achy.

So alongside the emotional high of Mark starting a new job, and seeing our kids grow up and hit new milestones, and getting to see Ali's sweet face more and more, there will be another face we will see decidedly less. (Oooof.) Our most dear friend Another Nathan has officially resigned from his position at our church, and accepted a call to be the director of worship, music and arts at a church in Minnesota. (Minnef@ckingsota. I promise to call it that for at least the next year.) So, yeah. He's moving. I know. I KNOW.

I have promised to hold the sappiness at bay for a few months, but for now I need to say at least this: Mark and I are thrilled for him. We've been beside him through his whole exhausting and vulnerable search/discernment/call process, and we consider ourselves his biggest supporters in it, and we are so freaking proud of him.

But damn, we are going to miss him so much.

Lots of growing and changing is happening around here. It is lovely and hard and great.

And that's all the words I have for today.

Ali

So hey, thank goodness, right as our own kids are growing up and moving into new big-kid territory like dance recitals and orchestra concerts and such, we have now added another wee one to our midst. Babyhood continues! Or something.

Little cousin Alana will be spending days with us while her parents are working, and she is just about the sweetest neice I could have ever dreamed up.

She has red hair! She is super serious! She makes me squeeeee.

So far she has done mostly pretty well joining into her big cousins' routine -- walking to the bus stop in the bjorn in the morning, running errands and getting groceries, taking a few meals on the go, and learning to nap through the sounds of play and squealing. She fusses about it some, but it will smooth out and we will find our new normal.

She is a girl who loves to nurse, so she is still protesting the bottle for a few minutes at most feedings, but she takes it quite happily from Anneliese, which is both super helpful for me, and also freaking adorable.

(Yes, I totally feed her myself, many times. I just don't have pictures of that.)

I know there will be days that four kids will feel overwhelming, and I actually spent the early part of last week in a fit of nerves about what it means to take on another baby for a 9-5 schedule (something I've never had to abide by before, when it comes to parenting breaks, since Mark works a rotating shift) -- but after a couple of days with Ali, it feels right and lovely to spend our days with the cousins all together.

(Even if she doesn't seem as enchanted with Daniel Tiger as my kids do.)

So, yeah. Get used to seeing more of this sweet next Baby Goettsch face.

Daddydorable

Things about Mark as a dad that I am finding pretty super these days:

1.) He is one of Nathan's team's tee-ball coaches, and when I watch him out there with all those kids, I can't believe that the sweet quiet sixteen-year-old I used to kiss in the bus parking lot has now turned into a funny lively encouraging dad, chasing after rogue throws, and high fiving kids when they remember to run all the way to each base. MELT.

2.) He built a bedsheet fort for the big kids for one of their Friday sleepovers, which have apparently just been leveled up.

3.) He brought home one of those little plastic pools, which are not my favorite, but it's fine because they love it, although I can't understand why they're so taken with it, considering we have an ACTUAL POOL.

4.) He will never be able to do a proper ponytail, which is the most Steretypical Dad problem ever, which amuses me because normally he doesn't stumble on Stereotypical Dad things. But! He makes ponytails anyway!

5.) He patiently (painstakingly) did this ship puzzle with Nathan when we got home from our cruise a few weeks ago. Turns out some presents that say 5 and up should totally say, like 30 and up.

And yes, it totally looks like a cruise ship now that they're done. Impressive, right?

Also, if you had been wondering what the top of a six-year-old boy's dresser looks like these days, well there you go. (Yes, that's a glow-in-the-dark pteranodon* stuck to the wall.) (*Or something else, I don't know. Putting this disclaimer here in case Nathan ever reads this and it turns out it's totally not a pteranodon, duh mom.)

5.) Marky also does things like take the kids to the playground so I can have the house to myself, and plays stomp rocket with them for hours...

...then comes home and suggests we find a sitter and go on a date. To a trendy restaurant where we get to sit on couches next to a pool while we eat dinner. So fun. (Yes, I wore a ponytail on a date. Don't judge me. As a rule I don't wash my hair on Saturdays.)

And I love him and he is a great dad and he makes me smile, and I don't know how often I say that, but I should more. Not because I am "lucky" to have a husband who thinks parenting is normal and does it well (all dads should! it should not be a special case for special praise when they do! Mark is the first one to agree with me on that!), although I don't take it for granted, either -- but because I love him and sometimes I get so hung up on thinking/talking/writing about my own mommying that I am glad to sit down and say hey, he makes daddying look awesomely fun, too.

Firsts and Lasts

Want to see some evidence proving why I have been super mommy emotional this week? Of course you do.

Exhibit A: this. This right here. Are you kidding me with this?

On Tuesday night, Nathan played in his first orchestra concert. I basically melted into a puddle as soon as he got to his "backstage" room and rosined up his bow and started "warming up" (he did stop and smile for this picture, which I am thankful for).

By the time Nathan got onstage, he just looked so happy. We could see his face the whole time they played, and I don't even care how sappy I sound, it was awesome. I was full of my own memories and nostalgia and excitement and nerves, and seeing him look so joyful made it all just perfect.

I would listen to him play at this very-beginner first grade level for years and years, and find it objectively beautiful, I really would, if he always looks this happy playing.

Exhibit B - this tiny dancer.

On Sunday afternoon, Anneliese was in her first dance recital. This probably isn't news for people who grew up in families that "did dance" (not us), but we had no idea how old she would seem. No idea how much a curly updo and sequined dress and small brave smile would age her. No idea that seeing her dance in a line of her friends, all looking tiny and adorable, would make us cry. And cry, we both did. Make no mistake.

Of course Anneliese's recital was at the exact same time as a church musical Nathan was in. And the dress rehearsals were at the same times as each other too. Of course. So Mark and I switched off -- we each went to one dress rehearsal, and one big event, so we both got to see both. High five, Marky. Good job, team.

Exhibit C - Nathan, in said musical! He was a confident and happy singer and he knew every word and laughed at the jokes and gladly wore an animal hat and claimed he wasn't even nervous (and I think I believe him).

It seems like but a few moments ago he was eighteen months old and just learning to walk, using the bottom of my choir robe to pull himself up, climbing up onto the piano bench next to Another Nathan and staring wide-eyed at the piano. How many years he spent watching the big kids sing, in their own robes, in musicals, asking when it would be his turn. And now here he is, one of the big kids himself, in Another Nathan's choir!

I love these two. They are my favorite Nathans that have ever Nathaned.

Exhibit D - ummm this holy whoa try not to cry at the sweetness.

A couple weeks ago, Anneliese wrote her name by herself for the first time. And she did it in rainbow colors. (Try not to look shocked.) And I got very teary and took a million pictures and scanned it into the computer and yep, it turns out some things are just as awesome when the second kid does it too.

Exhibit E - last day of preschool. Charlotte and Anneliese are done for the summer! We took pictures on the steps of the school like always, and I tried not to cry at how much they have both changed over the course of just one school year. (That is a lie. I totally let myself cry. I mean look at them!!)

Anneliese has shot up like a weed and now towers over the other kids her age. And Charlotte, my goodness, she has gone from a baby to a legit little girl.

Y'all, I don't know how it is possible to feel so happy and also so sad to see your kids growing up. I don't know any way to talk about this that isn't riddled with cliches, but the cliches are around because they are true.

I am, all in one moment, really genuinely excited to see them doing new things, experiencing the world (big kids are fun! like, really fun), yet also completely heartbroken that they have so grown out of the tiny cheeks and noses I kissed when I first met them, first held them and sang happy birthday. It just goes so fast. It is wonderful and fun and exciting, but too damn fast.

So here's a cliche that always always holds up: DON'T BLINK, MAN.

Eleven Questions

Okay apparently we are being meme-y on the internet this week and I am not complaining because these things are fun to read, fun to write, and easy on mah brain. Elizabeth tagged me. So. Here goes.

1. What is your favorite type of cheese? I have no real feelings about cheese. Maybe... any cheese that is not smoked? And preferably melted. For to dip things like chips.

2. What are you excited about? Hmmm I... don't know, actually. Sad. I have spent the last few weeks so filled with nerves and dread and worry that I don't think I have been looking forward to anything. Let's remedy that now! *brisk clap* Okay, I think I am excited about summer, at least the kids being home from school part. (I miss them.) I am alllllmost excited about my new iPhone coming this week. (I have never owned an Apple product, and now I will. I don't even know who I am anymore.) And I might get to go on a road trip in August to the midwest which will be weird but also fun and I could totally get it up to feel excited about that. Oh! Oh! And we are taking a day trip to the beach on Monday! Okay I just hit legit excitement. Good talk.

3. How did you celebrate your last birthday? What awesome thing has your dad done this week? (I think I answered the birthday thing in the New Year survey, so I changed the question, don't mind if I do.) Y'all! My dad is retiring from teaching! Teaching, which was a late-ish-in-life career change for him (when I was a senior in high school), after many years (and several master's degrees) in corporate America, which was after several years in the military, and anyway it turns out he is pretty awesome teacher, and has been for almost twenty years now. And he is retiring and his kids and colleagues love and respect him, and we do too. We are super crazy proud of his work and (warning: cheesy ahead) the difference it makes. You should watch this sweet and funny video some of his students made for/about him. Love it.

4. What is on your bedside table? A lamp I used to love and now find incredibly ugly, an alarm clock blinking the wrong time, a booklight, a baby monitor whose mate was abandoned months ago in Charlotte's room, a bottle of gatorade, and all these books. (I am currently reading all of these, save one I haven't started yet. Yes really. I tend to read one novel at a time, and nonfiction type stuff a chapter at a time, rotating through each of them once a week or so. I don't know why. Now that I am trying to explain why I have all these books on my nightstand it doesn't seem like a very good system.)

I am also reading another but I took it off the nightstand before I took this pic because some shiz is private from Some People Reading) (not to you, you can ask and I will gladly tell you).

NOT on my nightstand: my glasses. Even though they should be. I can't find them, again, story of my life, whatever.

5. What do you order from the movie theater concession stand? Small popcorn and the largest size of diet coke (for to share!) because only the largest size gets refills, and I want the option for the refill, even though I never actually get it refilled.

6. Do you have a garden? What’s growing? I have some flowers in some boxes on the deck, planted by the previous owners. (They couldn't pay their mortgage and a third of the house was termite-destroyed, but sure! Keep the flowers alive!) Other than that, I do not garden. Although, Nathan wants to plant some dinosaur garden this summer, some something about prehistoric plants that would have grown when dinos roamed? I might humor him on that. He put it on the summer bucket list! It is now sacred!

7. Any summer plans? Well, the dinosaur garden, apparently. Especially now that I have told the internet about it, I have to. Also learning to get into a rhythm with Ali. Also sitting by my pool and reading, hopefully a lot. Also, a week at Montreat with Nathan again for youth conferences. Also, probably more crying than in some other summers. Just putting that out there.

8. Which TV couple(s) are you rooting for? Julia and Joel. (And, in case we never get to see them again, I will put my emotional cheering into Mindy and Danny instead.)

9. What’s the last thing you bought? I can't remember, so I will go out on a limb and say... something from Starbucks? (Oh wait! The new iPhones. I bought those today.) If I wait til tomorrow to post this, I can maybe say new jeans. I think I might need to make a jeans purchazzie tomorrow, because none of my pants fit, because mono. (Not that I recommend the mono diet. I stridently dis-recommend the mono diet.) Hmm I should take a picture like in a diet ad. Should I do it?

(I did it.)

10. What’s one thing you are passionate about? I feel like I always answer this type of question about apostrophe usage, but that is mostly a joke. (Not really. I am dead serious about it.) But also, I think: inclusive language. I am more and more bothered/ranty/willing to fight about how we talk about things, especially in terms of privilege, and propagating stigma. I know that all sounds like a bunch of nothing but I don't have it in me to be more articulate about it right now. Friday! Lazy! Language! Passion! Something!

11. What are you grateful for this week? My awesome Marky who lets me be as chatty or as quiet as I need to be, always. Another Nathan who makes time for me and our creature-of-habit habits, even when his own life gets crazy. My sister who is always in my phone and understands me. My minivan. My guest house fridge full of gatorade. And warm spring weather that is freaking gorgeous. Oh! And a pool to sit beside in said weather.

The rules say I must now tag eleven bloggers: Emily, whose answers to these things always crack me up. Arwen, who hasn't blogged in too long for my taste. Elsha, who (apparently) already knew I would tag her. And Emu, who can use this bloggity survey to kill time while she is in labor any day now.

I'm on a Boat! (Don't Call the Ship a Boat.)

Look! I am all bloggity caught up! And it is (yet another) emotional week here, so let's talk about our cruise! We went on a cruise!

The most important thing to know is that my spleen did not explode. (Someday I will stop talking about the frikking mono. Apparently that day isn't today.) The second most important thing to know is that this was a kid! free! cruise!

(Well, there were kids on the boat.* Just not my kids.) (*Apparently if you call it a boat, you get scolded. It is a ship. A boat is a thing you get on when the ship sinks. We have been on many cruises and had never heard it explained... quite like that.) (Somewhere, my maritime-oriented brother is reading this and hanging his head in shame. Don't call it a boat, Erin!)

So, pictures, for no other purpose than preserving my own memories and hoping that for once I don't have to be the one feeling jealous that someone else got to go somewhere tropical:

on the top decks of Enchantment

I love him. That is all.

Our ship, from Coco Cay

In light of Mark's promotion, Another Nathan made him take this pic
and I am *so glad* because nothing about it doesn't make me laugh.

Cruise ships are so tacky-fabulous they are hard to describe.
Just... whoa.

But some of the cheesiness is totally fun. I will never not love towel animals.

Make sure your travel group includes dapper friends in suits.
You will not hate it. #ProTip

We took a sunset sailing trip around Paradise Island (now home to Atlantis)

my bestest fraaand
(not even seasick this time)

Enchantment of the Seas, at twilight (docked in Nassau)

He's on a boat! (Actually a boat.)

Coco Cay with my very own Marky

On a cruise ship! With champagne!
(Even mono cannot get me down!)

We spent our days in the sun -- by the pool, and one day at the beach, and one day wandering through Nassau where it was hot as the blazes but we found respite at a random rum distillery. We shared bottles of wine every night at dinner and spent our evenings at cheesy shows and floating in the indoor pool and sitting in the breeze of the top deck in the dark. (And one night in a hot tub, drinking tropical bevvies and gawking at beautiful people dancing by the edge of the pool.) We went late to our muster drill (not late! everyone else was early!) and collected hate-stares from the hundreds of people we had to walk by on the way to our lifeboat. We had a sting-y encounter (minor, but still sting-y) with the remnants of a jellyfish. We bought Christmas ornaments shaped like the ship. We spent the second half of the week avoiding a super awkward family from our first night at dinner (we saw them everywhere). We got to snuggle late into the night and late into the morning and keep no kind of schedule at all. We played car games and we all read long books, and most of us got sunburned, but only in odd patches, because of course. We made the same dumb jokes all week, in terrible caribbean accents. It was everything I could have wanted in a week away from real life, is what I'm saying.

Silver Linings

Okay after a fair amount of complaining, I feel like I owe the universe (myself) the admission that there were lots of silver linings in the clouds and misery of April. Not the least of which was our beach trip and (kid! free!) cruise, but also many sweet and helpful friends who brought dinners and gave rides to my kids to/from school, and games and rehearsals and sweet Marky who not only started his new job but also did all the parenting (when he was home), along with most of the cleaning and grocery shopping too, and between all of those efforts, I really was able to cut waaaaay back on things, and rest. I got to the point where I canceled everything "extra" off my calendar, and got rides for the kids for as many things as I could, and tried to limit myself to a One Thing Per Day rule. Most of the time it was to pick up or drop someone off at school, but other days I got to sneak away to starbucks or go to choir or that kind of thing, and anyway it was all very helpful and I felt very loved.

Also, two days after the stitches/fever/ER fiasco with Charlotte, Anneliese totally found my lost glasses. (Anneliese! Who can never find anything!) She was right pleased with herself, and I was too. I might have picked her up and squealed gleefully and spun her in a circle. Maybe.

And before the whole stitches/fever/ER fiasco ever happened, we spent a long morning at church doing our Lenten cantata, which in hindsight totally pushed me longer than I should have been there (I sang two services and sat one out), but I don't regret for one second that I went and did it, even feeling super sick, because dang we worked hard on it this year, and I was not going to not be there.

We did a somewhat obscure Bach Cantata (39, the 1st movement, if you're curious about that kind of thing) and it was an ambitious undertaking for our choir but whoa dang we pulled it off! Another Nathan is a totally legit teacher and conductor and I felt super proud of him and really proud of us too. (He had some angsty weeks in there worrying that it might not happen well, but we burned CDs, and part-prominent midi files, and made a video of the sheet music against a good recording) (oh yes we did) (I am his I/T person haaaaa HAomg) (but really) and that Sunday was just beautiful.

hm I just realized this pic isn't from Lent, it is from December, but...
it looked about the same, minus the greenery, so just go with it :)
(PS that flute player in the front row is pretty cute, yes?)

So anyway I ended up being really glad I sat out one service (thanks, mono! #thumbsup) because being able to just listen to the whole thing was really lovely. I might have maybe tackle hugged Another Nathan in the hallway behind the sanctuary after he conducted the Bach. Maybe. (No spinning in circles with him like Anneliese though.)

At some point in the last month, Nathan announced that he was finally (!) learning to use the bow on his cello. (I guess they teach the fingering, music reading, etc, just by plucking, which makes sense. I know next to nothing about string instruments, actually.) He offered to give Mark and me a lesson on using the bow so we said yes, obviously. Hi there, silver lining! I can play cello at a not-quite-first-grade level now!

Also, I bought Nathan this shirt at the Carter's outlet (the outlet store was my One Thing that day), and he loved it, and when we put it on the next morning, he yelled down to me, "Mom! My sperm shirt is the perfect size!"

Sperm WHALE shirt, Nathan. Always say sperm WHALE.

Speaking of clothes and kids and awkwardness -- when left to her own devices, Anneliese will wear every. single. color. she owns, all in one outfit. I call this her "my mommy has mono and is too tired to talk about my clothes" look.

Hmm what else? Oh, here is a silver lining: we went to Dave & Buster's one night to play video games and drink drinks (Another Nathan's Christmas present to Mark), and while I later paid dearly for the drink-drinking part (I didn't know! I felt off but I didn't know yet it was mono!), before that it was quite fun, and also I think (now that I am looking at this picture) that I might have made peace with my haircut. Which means you may now see it:

And, here, enjoy a picture of Charlotte, because she is the very definition of a silver lining in any tough day/season/whatever.

If swaddling a pony (read: insisting Daddy help you swaddle a pony, repeat times infinity) and singing it a lullaby is wrong, she doesn't want to be right.

Happy, Churchyard Edition

Our parenting transition back to real life after the cruise was... whoa. (Is it just me, or does time away make it hard to tell if the kids were always like This, or if This is normal, or if our tolerance for This has just changed, or if we needed some space to see that x and y and z parts of This are actually unacceptable? I don't know. I don't know!) (And Nathan has just been flat-out troubling. Respecting his privacy here, by request, by not detailing it -- but it has been complicated and hard in the way that raising children to be good polite decent humans is often complicated and hard.)

ANYWAY.

In the midst of both being overwhelmed by my children and drinking in their sweet presence that I had missed so much, we found ourselves rolling around in the grass outside church after youth choir. And they were playful and sweet and fun.

And it was exactly what I needed.