Regular Job Panic

{This buzzkill blog post is brought to you by Mark's new work situation.}

The latest news on the job front (remember that merger I mentioned last winter during our home-buying adventure?) is that Mark has been moved out of his shift job and is now working a regular 9-5 schedule.  Whaaaa?

For our family this is bizzarre, considering Mark has worked a rotating shift for the better part of the last eight years.  We were used to that.  We liked that.  We're assuming (hoping) that this job change is only for a few months, but who knows.

And in the meantime, it's not my favorite.

Y'all.  We see Mark so much less than we used to.  Part of the brilliance of working a twelve-hour shift, even though it made some long mommy days for me (sunup to sundown, and all three meals in between), was that he only worked three or four days a week.  And many of those were overnight.  Which means we had lots and lots of days when Mark was home.  Which not only was awesome for the kids (and the general running of our household) but gave me a lot of freedom too. 

Now that he's working every weekday, I find myself almost crushed by the weight of the regularity.  It's all the time.  Every week.  Indefinitely. I know this is the plight of millions of stay-at-home moms across the country, but it's never been my reality and it sort of horrifies me on some level.  How do they do it?

How do they find time to go to the dentist?  To grab a coffee with friends?  To have a midweek lunch date?  To go for a walk?  To go try on new jeans? To do any of those things alone, without a baby or two or three in tow? 

Do they just pay for a lot of babysitting?  Trade with other moms for mornings off?  Or did they just make peace with the idea of all-kid-all-the-time already?  I don't know.

I have one morning a week when both Nathan and Anneliese are at church, so I can be out and about and do some me things.  Well, with Charlotte.  Who might or might not stay asleep in the car seat.  And even if she does, it's definitely not the same as being alone. 

(Hey remember when I used to be alone sometimes?  Yeah me neither.)

And on weekends when Mark is around, I feel like I'm supposed to take advantage of family time, and be home with everyone.  Even though if I'm being brutally honest, I don't want to.  I get lots and lots of playtime and snuggles with my kiddies, so when another adult is around, I mostly just want to get out of here for a bit.  I spend a lot of time trying to figure out my next escape.

These are things I maybe shouldn't admit to the internet.

Also, the up all night thing.  When Mark had several days off a week, it felt normal and natural to ask him for help during the night sometimes.  But now that he has to get up for work five days a week and get up for church on one, that means he only has one night where he can sleep well and sleep late.  It feels like there's never a good time to ask for midnight help, even when he says he doesn't mind.

This new schedule feels borderline opressive. 

Would you believe that last Sunday morning, I drove to church dropped Nathan and Anneliese off in nursery rooms while Mark taught Sunday school, then went back home? Just so I could take a shower and get ready all by myself?  (All by myself meaning, while fervently praying that Charlotte would stay asleep in her car seat.  Which she did, thankfully.)  Really, I feel like I've stooped to a new level of desperation.

Does craving that alone time and freedom of mobility mean that I'm not cut out to be at home with my kids every day?  Is this "job" not a good match for my personality?  For the past few years (when Mark was home so much more during the day), it felt okay.  But now I don't know. 

All that being said, Mark has been in Florida this week and it's been surprisingly good.  I'm definitely used to juggling all three by now (even though I don't feel like I do it very well, I'm used to it), and while the evenings are predictably fussy, they've been manageable (Charlotte and I are co-sleeping while he is gone, which helps tremendously) (no I do not want to hear your opinions on why I am a terrible mom for co-sleeping, I have enough momguilt these days as it is, kthx) and the daytimes have been mostly fun and easy.  So yeah.  We're doing all right.

Despite what this picture of my non-dressed girls would indicate.

(Totally doing laundry tomorrow, swear.) (And I think the shirtless look really complements Anneliese's mullet anyway.) 

But seriously it's been way easier to have Mark gone this week than I thought it would be. I only start to feel panicky when I remember that when he gets home he has to go right back to work again.  And then again after that.  Forever.

Hi there, bleak.

*sigh*