How do you teach a kid to care about something they... don't care about? That's to say, how do you make a kid be responsible?
Because here's the thing: if we make them be responsible for a thing, then, by definition, they are not responsible for the thing. Because we made them. Which is the opposite of them being responsible for it.
Y'all, we are in a Season with Nathan. He is so bright, and so compliant, and also his head is in the clouds right now. He's just careless, on almost all fronts. His teachers have made a big deal about them taking personal responsibility for homework, no hand holding, no reminders, and are working on teaching them how to use a study agenda. All of these thing make my little planny heart just sing. Yesssss teach them to do it. Yes! YES!
But.
He isn't doing it. He forgets his homework packets, then forgets his agenda, then forgets to turn in his homework packets, then forgets to get new ones, which days to take carpool home instead of the bus, then forgets his glasses, then rushes through a math test and fails it, then loses his homework folder (and agenda).
And when we ask about it and follow up and say (ad nauseum) YOU are responsible for getting it done, it is no one's job to give it to you or ask to make sure you got it, it is YOUR job to find out what you need AND to get it. YOUR JOB he is just... full of excuses. He asked but no one answered. He asked but someone said look at the board, but the info wasn't on the board.
I just. WHAT IS GOING ON.
I am going to pull my hair out. The words we are saying (not our job! your job!) are not sinking in, or if they are, they aren't enough to make him care.
How do I raise a kid to know that there is not going to be a personal invitation for him to do what he is supposed to be doing?
So in the early weeks of this, when we told him he needed to do all his homework for the week (do it and turn it in and get his new packet) in order to earn screen time for the weekend, he sneaked behind our backs when we had a sitter and played a computer game anyway.
And then lied about it.
Oh my god, there were tears.
And yes, we have worked through various consequences and rewards and such, trying to balance the notion that he has to earn privileges, with also avoiding him digging himself into such a behavior/reward deficit he can never climb out, and so just gives up.
He just... doesn't care. I am tired of caring more than he does. He is perfectly responsible and totally on it when it comes to stuff he cares about, but apparently right now homework isn't one of those things. He only cares when he feels in trouble. (Or, if he's reminded, he's perfectly happy to do it.) But I don't know how to move from that "on fire" moment of him wanting to smooth our displeasure, to him caring about it when no one is managing it for him, besides just... letting him crash and burn.
Which we did. He still does not care. (Failed a math test. Barely noticed.)
I feel super powerless about it, which I am. And I should be. It's his thing. But it's so important to me to convince him, somehow, of why he should care and feel responsible for things that are assigned to him. It's hugely important in life. And isn't this our job as his parents? And so, I feel like I am failing him right now.
My dad's advice on these things is always: just wait it out. Almost everything is a phase. Almost everything passes.
So I am trying to tell myself he is barely out of the first month of school, it's an adjustment, he will figure it out and begin to shoulder this stuff on his own, if I keep backing away and let him. Even if it means watching him stumble a few more times before he gets it.
How do I balance assuring him that I will always be here when he falls, with also being clear I'm not going to swoop in and prevent the fall from happening?
I am going to read this book everyone recommends, (which sure sounds like it espouses everything I think I believe about the kind of parenting I want to do), and cry some frustrated tear at both Nathan and myself.
Parenting: I'm always a little bit in over my head, yknow? *sigh*
3 comments:
Oh please keep blogging your thoughts and findings on this. I have a feeling I'm close to this same phase (or whatever it is) with Hazel.
Okay, so I may be going out on a limb here...I'm not an expert, but I taught high school for many years, and I have seen this happen often. I think Nathan is operating on an entirely different organizational plane(t) than the one you and I live on. The things that make the most sense and are important to you and me are not always the same things that are important to him (and others like him). The unfortunate aspect of this is that most of our culture (schools, jobs, etc.) tends to reward those of us that are organized, on-schedule list-makers, so we as parents and teachers are inclined to push those skills onto our children.
This is not necessarily bad, of course. In fact, given my knowledge and observations of Nathan, it's likely it's an indication of his intellectual capacity, which goes way beyond the simple scope of keeping to a calendar or not forgetting things. He's possibly working on some new quantum physics theory (or more likely how to make it to the next level on his favorite computer game). Both are examples of higher level thinking.
So the question is how do you handle this? Well, I don't suggest that you let him float along in his own little free-thinking world all the time. But at the same time you should acknowledge this little world is an area of strength for him. As much as you want him to be responsible for his own work and time, I think he may need more guidance in this regard rather than less. Maybe spending 30 minutes a day (on a regular schedule) together with you will be a good opportunity to teach him and practice with him those organizational skills that he needs. With enough coaching (and patience) those skills are likely to improve--not so much because he "gets it," but rather because it's becoming a habit. This is NOT the same thing as doing his homework for him...you're just teaching him a routine that will be useful.
The bottom line is we all have different learning styles, and it's a teachers greatest challenge--figuring out how to stimulate each of those minds individually. This is blasphemous for me to suggest, but you might want to research Montessori a bit. For some kids it's the right thing.
Or I could be wrong about all of this. Wow...didn't mean to write an essay! Good luck!
We have gone through something similar with Katie. Her big wake up moment was seeing her progress report and seeing bad grades. Her teacher showed her dissatisfaction and disappointment which is what finally changed her tune.
This is a tough one. I wish I had some decent advice. We totally understand though!
Hope it gets better soon!
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