First Swim (and First Swim Fluff)

We took Anneliese swimming for the first time today! Since we didn't put her in the water at the lake this weekend, we had to rectify her swimlessness pretty quickly. In my family it's kind of a rule: you have to like to swim. Otherwise we might not consider you one of us. True story. You wanna be a Bumgarner... you gotta swim.So, good news... Anneliese liked it! A lot more than Nathan liked his first swim (to be fair, he was a lot younger... and now he likes it just fine). She's a keeper!

And more good news... I have a fun cloth swim diaper for her! (Stop groaning. You knew I was going to talk about diapers. Come on. The word fluff up there in the title should have tipped you off.)

I knew what I was looking for in a swim diaper -- something that snaps or ties (since velcro would catch on her cutie swimsuit and mess it up), something without the waterproof PUL lining that most cloth diapers have (I heard the chlorine would mess up the waterproofing, plus I didn't want it trapping water inside and filling up like a bag), and something that would dry really fast (since I only want to buy one, and might need a couple days in a row, or even more than once a day).

So I settled on this one from Applecheeks -- no velcro, no PUL, and it's made of mesh (mesh!! how cool!) so it dries really fast. The verdict? I love it. It's exactly what I wanted, and it's super-cute. It should fit her for two more summers I think, and it cost me less than two packs of the disposable swimmers -- score.

We got her all diapered up and suited up and took her swimming! She was happy. And she was, by a long shot, the prettiest baby at Uncle Nick's pool. Just sayin'.

Lest you think we got so blinded by Anneliese's pool cuteness (which we totally almost did) that we forgot about our other little fish of a child, don't worry. We had fun with Nathan too. He loves swimming. Well, splashing. Uncle Nick and Daddy are good for that. :)

Cousins, the Lake and a First Word!

We spent most of this weekend down at Lake Wateree with my in-laws. It was especially fun this time for several reasons:

1.) Anneliese is now saying dada! Ok, ok, she's kind of been saying it (repeating it, squealing it in Mark's general direction, etc) for a week or so, but I have been happily denying it, because I was so so so keen on having her say mama first. But now that she's done it in front of other people, I am officially forced to admit that dada has won out once again. But it's ok, I know she still loves me, and (for now anyway) she's still mommy's girl. I'm equal parts excited for her, and excited to hear the next word. Which had better be mama. (No pressure, sweetie.)

2.) My sister-in-law Emily, her husband Trey, and our nephew Jeb were also there. Which means all three cousins were in the same place at the same time... for the first time. Oma and Opa seemed very happy to have all their grandbabies together. Anneliese and Jeb are only a few months apart, so we're excited to see them learn to play together. And Nathan (who met Jeb for the first time this weekend) was very happy to have another baby to love on!! 3.) Nathan is getting old enough to spoil a little when it comes to bedtimes, etc, without messing up his moods too much. So he got to stay up a little late last night, while Opa built a campfire in the backyard and they ate s'mores. Side benefit: I got to relive one of my favorite high school memories of Mark -- making (what he considers) the perfect toasted marshmallow. Such a process. So endearing. 4.) We got to take both kids on a boat ride this morning. This was Anneliese's first boat ride, and she loved it. Apparently she's a wind-in-the-face kind of gal. But Nathan has a strange relationship with his things that go phase. He's fascinated by them, won't stop talking about them, but is also pretty much terrified of them. Happens every time. The boat ride, as on past trips, was no exception. He simultaneously loved it and was scared of it. Sitting near the boats and fishing with Daddy or Opa, however, is just pure uncomplicated fun for him. For more pictures of our fun weekend, click on Nathan on Opa's dock, below.

by mgoetts

Toddler Bowling

Nathan's friend Frank is turning 3 on Monday, so today we went to a birthday party to celebrate. A bowling birthday party. For 3-year-olds.

Now, lest you think toddlers can't bowl, let me tell you: they can. And they love it. I don't know why I hadn't thought of doing this with Nathan before (especially in light of his love of throwing and the loud crashing of toys), but for some reason it had never occurred to me. But we'll definitely go again.

They had this ramp thing set up so that the kids could roll their balls with enough speed to actually get them all the way down to the end of the lanes. And, you know... go straight and stuff.

Frank's dad had to show Nathan how to do it a couple of times, but once he got the hang of it, he wanted to do it again and again and again and again. He would pick up a ball and carry it over to the ramp, load it up, and push it down by himself (no mommy help, ok?)... and then crack up laughing when it finally got to the end and knocked some pins over (it's going CRASH, I hear it!)... so so stinkin' cute.

They put bumpers in the lanes, of course, but Nathan still managed to get his ball stuck -- yes, he continues to be a shining beacon of athletic prowess {shakes head}. You can see in this picture he's staring at his ball... he was very concerned at why it was stuck in the bumper, and when the pins would go crash again. He just kept waiting... and waiting... I don't think he understood that his ball wasn't going to start moving again until the nice man ran down the lane to free it from the bumper. :)

Definitely a fun morning! And since it was also air-conditioned and we had the place pretty much to ourselves... I feel a new favorite summer activity coming on!

For more bowling pictures, click on Nathan's eyes-closed-cheese grin, below.

by mgoetts

School's Out for Summer

Today was Nathan's last day of 2-year-old preschool!

He's been going twice a week, for three hours, since this fall. As weird as it was for me to realize that Nathan was old enough for a first day of "school" in September, it might have been a little weirder (though admittedly less sentimental) than realizing he's old enough for a last day today.

First day and last day

He's grown up so much since then! Looking back, he seemed like such a baby when he started in the fall! My same sweet little Nathan, just... a slightly older, definitely more big-boy version.

Is this how it's going to feel every year when summer starts?

Bedtime Reading With Daddy

Since Mark's shift turnovers happen at 6:30, it doesn't matter whether he's on days or nights... he's not home in the hour right before bedtime.

So one of the many (many many many many ) things I love about his off weeks is that it means he's home in the evenings to help with the bedtime routine. And by help, I mean totally do all by himself (minus the breastfeeding part, duh).By the looks of it, our kids are big fans too. :)

Nathan's First Year Video

When Nathan turned one, I made a slideshow of some of my favorite pictures from the year. The problem is, it was hosted on a website, and I didn't have a copy of the video file itself.

So I re-did it. And it's way better now anyway. Click here to watch the first year of his life fly by in two minutes. It's a fun little walk down memory lane, I promise.

And if you're so inclined, here's his second year. :)

His Favorite Thing is Actually Calling Mommy Out

In Nathan's preschool class this week they have been talking about favorites. (Which, as you might remember, he has already had some experience with.)

Apparently when they asked him what his favorite color was, he said green. Ok, normal enough. But then he thought it would be necessary to tell them that Daddy's favorite color is orange, and Anneliese's favorite color is pink, and Dr. Z's favorite color is purple, and Another Nathan's favorite color is blue. Some of which is true, some of which is probably not... and none of which was asked.

(When they asked him his favorite thing to do, he said talk and say words. Yes, based on that last response... clearly.)

So despite my half-cringe at the thought that our kid is clearly (and self-admittedly) the class chatterbox, I thought that if he's so focused on what other people like, then we should run with it. Talk about what makes other people happy and sad. Try to teach him that other people have feelings! Introduce the concept of empathy! I went into good-mommy mode... this is a Learning Opportunity! Let us embrace it!

So.

me: Nathan, what's your favorite thing to eat?
N: Hmmm. Applesauce and popcorn, I think.
.....(So cute when he says I think!)
me: And what about Daddy?
N: Salad! Right?
.....(Also so cute when he asks right?)
me: And what's Mommy's favorite food?
N: Cookies.* Brown circle cookies.
......(wait... what?)

{facepalm}

Aaaaand END learning opportunity.

*I have to ask, because I know you'll all be disappointed if I don't: is he calling me fat? Why yes he is.

Anneliese and Finn... and Some Grandparental Love

While Merritt and I were racing on Saturday, her son Finn was nice enough to share his grandparents with Anneliese for the afternoon. He also let her borrow a ridiculously cute orange
hat so they could enjoy the warm sunny day. What a sweet friend, huh?

(We're keeping him around as a top prospect for Anneliese, not only for his generosity, but also because he's the only baby we know who's already looking to end up taller than Anneliese. Also because he's already perfected his party dude! face. And I like that in a future son-in-law.)

Apparently this foursome had a great afternoon together. How do I know this? Well I'm glad you asked.

I know how great their afternoon was because Finn's grandma is the most organized and detail-oriented caretaker I've ever left my child with. (I was kind of intimidated to even leave instructions at first, but don't worry, I totally made some stuff up so she'd think I had half a clue what to expect. And I'm pretty sure she bought it.) When we got back, she had jotted down how their afternoon went, and the sheet included gems such as:
-- 1:30 bottle, 3 burps, then spit up
-- 2:00 changed her clothes all her clothes... she did poop, lots
-- 2:07 down for nap
Ummmm. Yeah. When's the last time you left your baby with someone and came back to full details on exactly how many times she burped? Or what time, to the minute, she went down for her nap? Or a size assessment on her bowel movements? There's only one word for this: guffawesome. Yeah, I said it.

But you know, once Finn's grandparents saw that Anneliese was off her "schedule" (the list I made up), they threw caution to the wind and just let the kids play and have fun, and everyone did great. Finn's a lucky dude to have his grandparents so close!

In return for sharing them with her, Anneliese shared our tandem stroller so they could all go for a walk together. With a fleece blanket, as you can see. Despite the aforementioned warm sunny day. Because apparently in some ways, grandparents are the same everywhere. :)

Thanks so much to Merritt's in-laws for taking care of our babies so we could have our afternoon together!! All joking aside, we appreciate it so much!

Birthday By Harborcam

Today is my brother's birthday! He's turning 27. To celebrate, Nathan and Anneliese and I spent the afternoon in tears. Just kidding. I mean, not about the crying part -- we definitely did that. All afternoon. But that wasn't the celebration.The fun part of our day happened before everything got crazy and miserable.

At noon, the kids and I had a date with our computer to watch for Brad on the Christiansted harbor webcam, down in St. Croix where he lives. (Want to feel really sorry for yourself and your crappy non-tropical stateside weather? Click here.) He had told us that he would be at the harbor then, loading up for his afternoon sailing. (He's the first mate on a ginormous sailboat. Because you needed one more reason to be jealous of his life.)

And we saw him! Pretty sure he even waved to us! (Yes, we're still potty-training, hence the pantslessness.)

Nathan was glued to the computer. There's Uncle Brad! There he is! He's wearing a hat! There's Uncle Brad's sailboat! It's a real big one!

And Anneliese was glued to Nathan, taking in whatever he was telling her. Look Anneliese! There's the sailboat! Wave Anneliese!(And then the sight of Nathan waving at the computer shot straight to the top of the Cutest Things I Have Seen This Week list.)One more reason the internet is awesome, right? How did people keep up with their relatives in the virgin islands before the St. Croix harborcam? I mean really.

Happy birthday, baby Brad! We love you!!

Great Urban Race = Guffawesome

This weekend I was in Washington DC to visit Merritt and do the Great Urban Race. I had never heard of it until recently, but once I heard about it I knew I had to do it. It's like the tv show Amazing Race, but only for one day and in one city. How cool is that? So I jumped on the opportunity to race in Washington (one of my favorite cities) with Merritt (one of my favorite people). And since last time I went to visit her, I posted a list of things I learned, I'm doing that again.

Here's what I learned on the Great Urban Race 2010.

1.) Pick a team name that starts with punctuation -- ours was ¡Guffawesome! -- and the race staff won't know how to
alphabetize you. Apparently we're the only ones who had ever done that. (Since some of you will ask, our team name came about for 3 reasons: First, my propensity for combining words with "awesome." Second, Merritt's love of español. Third, and most importantly, one time when we were freshmen at Furman, Merritt said guffaw. Yep, that's pretty much the whole story. Rather than try to explain a decade-old inside joke that I'm not even sure *I* understand anymore, I will just ask you to trust me that it was hilarious. Merritt said guffaw. See? Hilarious. Guffawesome, even.)

2.) Bring your own map. We got all the clues at the beginning, and half (or more) of the challenge is figuring out where they all are, and in which order to do them. (This is one thing that Merritt and I totally agreed is way harder than the folks on tv. They have to think a lot less, dealing with only one clue at a time.) No matter how fancy your phone is, there's no substitute for a good paper map with circles on it so you can clearly visualize where you need to go, and plan a good route. And, the map they give you might not be as clearly marked with metro routes and lines as you could hope. So... bring your own.

3.) Elementary school teachers are the best googlers. Since our strategy was to solve all the clues right at the beginning, and plot them by neighborhood to choose the best route, we had recruited a handful of at-home googlers to help us make that happen really fast. And they were all good -- it would have taken two or three times as long without them (and we never would have finished in time). Mark helped, and his brother Nick (and his wife Barbara), and my pseudo-sister Cassi. But the awards for best googling definitely go to Liz and Erin H, who are both elementary school teachers by trade. Erin was our fastest responder (and from her husband's phone, when hers died!)... and Liz... oh Liz. When online sources conflicted on which garden we were looking for, and which plant, and whether that plant was actually a member of the family our clue sheet indicated it needed to be, she called the US Botanical Gardens to find out (who does that?).... and then sent us a picture of exactly what we were looking for, in an organized email, the likes of which only a teacher could write out in less than ten minutes. Seriously. Please remind me never to compete in one of these races against Liz. Yowza.

4.) Paddleboating is way way way way way harder than you think it is. And steering those things is a nightmare. We managed to drive into another team, and an empty (anchored) boat too. Wow.

5.) It is very possible to get blisters so big on the balls of your feet that they extend up in between your toes. I wouldn't have believed it if you told me last week. But I am living proof and I am here now to tell you it's true.

6.) Merritt is a Rule Follower who doesn't like to jaywalk. Now, her version of the story might make it sound like I am a dangerous jaywalker and she just doesn't have any faith in me (the words wait, Erin, that's a really big bus! might or might not have come out of her mouth on Saturday... more than once) but we all know that's not true because I am an excellent jaywalker. I have a jaywalking ticket from when I lived in Germany to prove it. But that's a story for another day. For now, just believe me when I tell you that Merritt is a stickler for those flashing walk signs. And that her favorite phrase -- but their light is about to turn green -- makes no sense to me at all. About to turn green = still red = cars not moving. Now RUN.

7.) The new circulator bus in DC doesn't stop at every stop in both directions. While Mark and I take full credit for coming up with this monument-area bus system several years ago (you're welcome, America), we can't endorse the levels of complication which require riders to not only know which stop they need, but also which direction the bus has to be going in order to stop there. Come on now. It's a circle. All stops in both directions. Please. (Merritt and I walked along the route for several stops before we realized there just weren't any stops in the direction we needed to go.)

8.) E Street is elusive. One of our challenges was to figure out a word based on the definiton on our clue sheet, then spell it by taking pictures of those letter street names. Merritt figured out the word was rest, and we got T, S and R streets pretty easily (since they're close together, duh). But we didn't get E. (Yes, even though there are four E Streets to choose from in DC, one in each quadrant, and we could have used any of them.) We got within several blocks, several times, in several different quadrants, and just... couldn't make it happen. It was that elusive E Street that caused our finish line penalty, since that particular clue was only 75% complete.
9.) If you just absolutely refuse to shut up, begging and pleading will eventually get you what you want. Even if what you want is for some GWU employees to temporarily abandon their posts at the front of several lines of graduates waiting for their commencement ceremony and take a picture with you, because (due to graduation day making most people be robed or otherwise fancied up) no one else is wearing GWU shirts and dangit, you need a picture with at least two people wearing GWU shirts! And for one of those said graduates to distract from her commencement day to take said picture. (Except, apparently we didn't need that picture after all, because it was a tic-tac toe of photo requirements and we had already completed that puzzle another way. Clearly our brains were fuzzy from the heat and exhaustion.) But, no matter -- the begging and pleading totally worked!!
10.) If you do this race as a nursing mom, either bring a pump or steer clear of other people's crying babies. A couple of hours into the race, Merritt and I were both so... um, full, that it was (almost) as distracting to our comfort level as our blisters. Ok, not really. But it did make it harder to run. Or maybe we just needed another excuse not to run. Seriously I don't think we would have stopped to pump. But it was funny that we both needed to. Although, neither of us leaked, so we'll call it a win. And we were both happy to get home to our babies. (Please don't ask me to explain the science behind Merritt looking so cute and together in this picture while I look like such a hot mess. She continues to defy all reason and logic on these things.) So. In summary. We pretty drastically underestimated the difficulty of this event. We thought we'd have plenty of time to finish in the allotted five hours. Yeah... we made it by two minutes. (And still took a penalty for having one clue only 75% complete. Dang you, E Street!) We're sore and tired but we had fun and we're thinking we should do the Charlotte even in late April next year. Who's in? (Liz & Jeremy? Ashley & John? Erin & Jonathan? Nick & Barbara? Kelley & Jonathan? Say yes! All of you!)

For more pictures of our day and some of the challenges we did (including Merritt boxing, other teams' crazy costumes, paddleboat scenery, and some outtakes of the two of us jumping in front of a statue), click below on the crowd gathering for the race start.

by mgoetts

Seven Updates at Seven Months

Anneliese is seven months old today! It just sounds old, doesn't it? Like, we're almost to the part where we stop counting her age in months. Weird.The last month has been kind of hectic (with my sister's wedding, potty-training Nathan, and the sense of overwhelm with Simon), but Anneliese has made the move from I'm the baby look at me I'm the center of attention ...to... hey it's cool I'm just one of the fam now with grace and ease. She has been so relaxed and undemanding and just generally a pretty easy baby. Thank goodness. She survived her first injury, is getting better and better at doing the church nursery thing, still sleeping all night, and has settled into a pretty good two-nap routine (and one of them happens at the same time as Nathan's... praise the Lord).


Here's what's going on with our little lady these days:


1.) Eating. She has become a champion eater, and likes pretty much anything we give her. Sometimes I still look around in disbelief, like... is this really happening? How is this so easy? I feel like someone might pop out from behind a corner any day now and say, haha, fooled you, we really had you going, didn't we? and then she'll turn into a picky food-refusing pain. But... it keeps not happening. So after almost 2 months, I'm close to letting myself really believe that when it comes to food, she's just... easy. She's still nursing a bunch of times a day, but she does love food-food when she gets it!


2.) Growing. She is growing like crazy. She's 17lbs and just shy of 30 inches. In case that doesn't mean anything to you, I am posting her growth charts below. Her weight (on the left) is pretty average for breastfed girl babies her age. Her height, however... um, yeah. That's what people mean when they say off the charts. We're not sure if she's going to be really tall, or if she's just in a grown spurt that will slow down after a while. Looks funny in the meantime, though, huh.


3.) Babbling. While she's not as talkative as some other members of our family (ahem), she does like to squeal and babble and "talk" to us for a little while each day. She is oh so close to saying da-da. It's right on the tip of her tongue and she's trying so hard to repeat it. She definitely knows what it means when she hears it, based on how she kicks and giggles when we say it (especially if that coincides with Daddy walking in the room). I'm campaigning hard to get mama out first, but it's not looking good. Mark's betting she says her first word (intentionally, he means) in the next month. I think that's optimistic. But we'll see.


4.) Playing. She loves trucks. Her favorite thing to play with is whatever Nathan is playing with. Fortunately he's good at sharing (for now), and is glad for an eager and enraptured audience when he wants to talk about his trucks. Which is... frequently. She also loves to read books. (And eat them.) And there are a few stuffed animals that keep her entertained and amused pretty well too. Peek-a-boo is becoming a huge hit.


5.) Adorable-ing. Despite what the picture above might imply, she's still only up to like thirteen baths or something. Oh yeah, mom of the year. (The more astute of you might notice that this picture is strangely similar to the one of Nathan that's in our bathroom right now, and yes, that was intentional. Also, fun side note -- a different picture of Anneliese wrapped in a towel is now hanging in the bathroom at our portrait studio. She's a bathroom model! I mean, she definitely has the height for it, right?)

6.) Moving. She is soooooo close to sitting up on her own. If she's not paying attention, she'll do it for a few seconds. But once she notices she's not leaning on anything, she just tips right over. :) Still no desire (on her part or mine, for the record) to try crawling or pulling up or anything looking too much like a workout.


7.) Grabbing. Anneliese is our grabbing queen. I have resorted to wearing contacts most days now, since my glasses are just too tempting for her little fingers. Ditto with necklaces, my phone, my purse, or any papers I happen to be holding within an arm's reach of her. I remember this phase with Nathan. Good times, good times.

Happy seven months, Anneliese! We love you!

Babies and Bachelorettes

I had a crazy and fun weekend. We had a bunch of people in town to celebrate my friend Sarah's wedding this summer. It was like a bachelorette weekend... except most of us are married. (And lactating, for that matter... hott huh). But we did it up as "bachelorette" as we could, and we had a really fun time.

Sarah is one of my favorite people in the world, and I loved having a weekend to celebrate her. Plus a big handful of other great friends were all here, too. It's all too rare to have such a good group of friends in the same place at the same time, and it was exactly what I needed after my horrible week last week. Seriously, not just good in a distracting kind of way. But really really good.

This is what my Saturday looked like (adult beverages with sparkly/inappropriate stirring sticks not pictured).

I got to stay up late with Kelley and Merritt (and Betsy the next night) and talk about things you can only talk about in the presence of really good friends. I got to have a lunch with all adults and relive some of my favorite Sarah memories. I got to drink adult beverages. I got to wear a plastic lei. (Seriously it's not a weekend if you don't get to wear a plastic lei.) I got to meet the kind strangers who drive Kelley and her newborn twins to the Triangle when her car broke down (it's not as sketchy as it sounds. Well, it kind of is, actually. But they were nice, for real). I got to laugh so hard I cried. I got to fill our house to the brim -- five adults and six babies slept here on Friday night.

I think that bears repeating: six babies. Five of whom are six months old or younger. Yeah... that's a lot of babies.

And on Saturday afternoon while I was off doing my thing with my friends, and Nathan was visiting a friend/sitter, the rest of the babies stayed here. With Mark. Who, to be fair, did have some help from Mary. But I'm still pretty sure that taking care of five babies under six months (including newborn twins) makes Mark the husband of the year.

This is what Mark's afternoon looked like (poopy diapers and fridge full of milk pumped from various mommies not pictured).

And I (not so) secretly like that it might or might not make other wives jealous that he's all mine. Hott and helpful. That's a winning combination.

I'm happy about Sarah, I'm happy about my other awesome friends being in town, I'm happy about my rockstar husband, and I'm happy that no pictures exist of anyone else pumping milk. Just sayin.'

For more pictures of our weekend (nothing inappropriate, I promise), click on Betsy and Sarah and me, below.

by mgoetts

Mother's Day: Weird Yet Wonderful

Mother's Day is weird this year.

I am sad because of Simon (the absence of his name in my mother's day card reduced me to tears in the church parking lot). But I had decent day anyway -- church and mexican food and running around in circles on the golf course while my kids squealed and laughed. I have fun plans for an at-home date tonight with Mark. I even got to spend naptime doing alone-mommy things: shopping (for myself!) and watching Betty White on last night's SNL with a friend. Still, today is weird.

But.

I am trying really hard to focus on the handful of things that make this mother's day great...

Like this little lady. My first mother's day with Anneliese:

And this little man. Here is Nathan's first attempt at taking a phone picture. Pretty sure he's some kind of photographic genius:

(Say what you want about this child looking like his dad, but those gray-green eyes with yellow rings around the pupils came from ME.)

And this mom, who trumps all others in strength and smarts and supportiveness:And this sweet pup girl, who was -- always will be -- my first baby, and who has done more to help me heal from this Simon thing than most humans:
Happy Mother's Day to all the moms, moms-to-be, mom figures, stepmoms, moms-in-law and want-to-be moms out there who love us. Even when things are weird. Especially when things are weird.

A Toddler of the New Millenium

So anything I could possibly write right now (after what I wrote about Simon earlier this week) would seem trite and silly. With that in mind, here is something that's not pretending to be anything but trite and silly.

Just when you think your kids might not notice everything you do:

Me: Who're you calling, buddy?
Nathan: I texting Another Nathan.*

Oh, the things we never would have said when we were kids.

(Also, they clearly do notice everything we do.)

I needed this laugh, since I have a lot going on this weekend... stuff for which I will want (and need) to be happy. Nathan talking about texting definitely points things in a smiling direction. :)

*Another Nathan is our awesome and helpful friend who spent the morning with our Nathan while I tried to reintroduce productivity into my life. So don't worry, Nathan didn't think he was texting himself. :)

Simon, 2004 - 2010

Our precious little sweet Simon died on Tuesday.
We had to put him down, after a flash-flood of g/i and pancreatic problems made him very sick very fast, and several rounds of testing and supported care (hospitalization for iv fluids, nutrients, meds) and ultrasound results yielded several significant problems, but no clear answers on diagnosis or prognosis. We just didn't have the resources (nor did we think it was fair to him) to keep keep keep searching for answers through invasive surgeries and significant recovery periods. So we made the awful horrible painful decision to let him go.

I think it was the worst day of my adult life. Maybe my whole life.

I think before this happened, I thought I knew what it would feel like to lose him. I mean, we all know that we will probably outlive our dogs, right? And I have said good-bye to pets before (most significantly, my childhood pup Domino, who died when I was in college). But this is the first time, for both Mark and me, that the weight of the decision rested on our shoulders. Because he was our baby. A pet that we loved not just as a childhood playmate, but as only a parent can love a creature so dependent on us. And it turns out I could not have been more wrong in assuming I would know how that would feel. It was so much worse. So, so, so much worse.

I have spent the last two days walking around in a fog. Nothing in my new Simonless reality seems normal, but at the same time... everything else is normal. Anneliese still has to be nursed. Nathan still has to practice peeing on the potty. Laundry still has to be washed. Kids still need to be picked up from school and brought to appointments. Weekend plans for a houseful of guests still have to be finalized. Mark's music for church Sunday morning still has to be learned. The groceries scattered in the kitchen from when I rushed to the vet after shopping still have to be put away.

I spent most of Tuesday afternoon just wanting to yell at the world to please stop turning, everybody just stop. For just a minute. I need to get my head together. But... the world doesn't stop. So I clung to anything that would distract me, anything that would let me be in denial for just a few hours more, clung to messages from the friends who knew that's exactly what I needed in that moment... and I went through the motions of my life. In a fog.

We got a flood (seriously, a flood) of emails and phone calls and texts from people who wanted updates on Simon, or wanted to let us know they were praying for us, or that they knew how much we loved him. These messages all made me cry and I just couldn't make myself reply to everyone. I didn't want to talk about him, or rehash our painful decision, or relive that agony. But know this: all those messages made us feel loved. Very, very loved.

Our vet estimated (based on his human age and his weight) that Simon was about 35 in human terms. Not a puppy, not a senior. Way way too young to have to say good-bye.

Yesterday afternoon, I was thinking through some of my favorite Simon memories, and it turned into a list. Here are 35 happy things we remember about Simon -- one for every "doggie year" of his life:

1. Napping in the car with Nathan on road trips. 2. His baby teeth flying all over the den when Bowden pulled toys out of his mouth -- seriously we found teeth for days after that. 3. Meeting my mom's dog Mackie when they came to help us paint our new house, and humping her all weekend (Mackie, not my mom, duh). 4. His SuperSimon dog tag that never failed to get compliments. 5. Eating the sheetrock in our laundry room -- I kind of never want to fix it now. 6. The countless number of times he raced and busted out our front door, whether or not it was latched, whether or not it was locked. 7. His first Christmas when he got a candy cane rawhide treat stuck on his paw, and he ate it off. 8. Jumping into the dishwasher to find food scraps. 9. Defending his turf when another dog came in the yard while he and Nathan were playing together outside. 10. Snoozing at my feet (and on my feet) while I worked. 11. Curling up with Nathan on the bed in the then-study and both of them snoring the morning away. 12. His precious feet. 13. Backpacking with Daddy a few weeks ago. 14. Jumping up on the bed after Mark left for work in the mornings and getting some good snuggles in before the time came to start the day. 15. Sitting square on Mark's chest on the couch. That's right -- bum on chest. 16. Camping with Mark and Bowden and me, so exhausted and wedged between our sleeping bags for the night. 17. Licking my feet while we watched tv in the evenings (hey, one man's gross is another's awesome). 18. Swimming in the lake and being nervous enough to grip his legs around me like a human baby would... until I pulled us both into a raft to relax. 19. Digging like crazy in the sand at Cape Hatteras, sending it flying everywhere. 20. Roaming free in Umstead Park on hikes with Mark -- except when they needed to cross a creek on a log, when he was so scared that Mark had to carry him across. 21. Sitting on the front porch waiting for us to come home. 22. Jumping on mom's desk when he was a puppy, and in her tub, and snacking on her toiletries. 23. Riding along in our neighbor's kayak while they accompanied me on training swims for St. Croix. 24. Racing around my mom's five acres of land with all her dogs -- for Simon, it was just a big dog park. 25. Sleeping flat on his back with his legs up in the air. 26. Putting his front paws up on the counters after meals to give us a head start on cleaning the dishes. 27. His refusal to give up the old ratty stinky dog bed that he loved from puppyhood, and sleeping in it even when he didn't fit inside anymore. 28. Running berserk at our Raleigh dog park, in circles and circles and circles. 29. Following Bowden around like the lovesick puppy he was, even before she learned to love him back. 30. Following Nathan and enjoying that he always loved him back. 31. Crying so loudly when he got his nails trimmed that people at PetSmart thought we were torturing him.32. Napping on the air conditioning vent in Nathans room, not wanting to leave even when it was Nathan's turn for a nap instead. 33. Jumping directly into our laps when he thought we might be leaving him somewhere, without any regard to the fact that he was too big to be a lap dog. 34. Carrying his favorite blanket (actually a huge comforter) backwards up the stairs, so he could sit comfortably at the top (his favorite place) and keep an eye on everything going on in the house. 35. The many afternoons he spent so regally sitting in our yard, basking in the sun and watching over his home and domain.He was a good boy. Such a good boy. We will miss him so much.