Identity Crisis? The End of an Era.

I have a lot of feelings these days. 

Big feelings that I'm trying not to feel, if I'm being honest. I'm worried if I dwell on them too much, even to write this post, I will feel sad and emotional and overwhelmed.

Charlotte is weaned. Officially and for real. I thought it had happened when I went to Asheville for the weekend, but she nursed off and on a few times a week for another month or so after that. But the last time I let her do it was the night before her birthday. It's been almost a month. So... pretty safe to say we're done. Done. 

I'm glad I had a good cry about it then, because now... I don't know what to feel about it.

For the first time in six years (SIX! YEARS!) -- since the fall of 2006 -- I am not pregnant or nursing. Because I breastfed right into each following pregnancy, I haven't had so much as a weekend of no one else needing my body. In six years.

That's not a complaint. I am very okay with how it played out. 

But there were lots of times I would daydream of having my body to myself, doing what I wanted without regards to caffeine or morning sickness or  pumping or heartburn or medication guilt (oh the meds guilt; I cannot begin to explain  how every pill over the last year has made me ache). I could imagine this coming freedom -- I would feel neither the kicks of a baby inside, nor the tingle of a milky letdown, and how weird and wonderful it would be. We laughed and pictured a big "off the boob" party, complete with booze and swimming and debauchery. Oh and t-shirts.

But.

Now that it's here... I don't know. It doesn't feel like a party. It feels lonely, to be honest. And I hate, for the sake of my needing a separate-from-Mommy identity, that it doesn't feel happy or relieving instead. Basically I'm sad that I'm sad. What the what, Erin.

And the identity changes get more complicated:

Now with Nathan starting kindergarten, it also feels like the End of an Era. I quit my job to be a stay at home mom "til the kids were in school" -- so now, even with two other babies still at home, I'm scared to feel his daily absence too acutely. I mean, this is it. He's in school every day. From now til college. My SAHM time with him... done. I don't get to prolong it or do it over or do it differently. Did I do it well enough? As well as I wanted to? As well as I thought I would? 

The questions I'm scared to let myself think too hard on.

And sweet Anneliese, stubborn and naughty and utterly unfazed by consequences, is also complicating those feelings of mommyhood success. I don't know what to do with that child these days. She confounds me. After all these years of having nothing on my agenda except learning to parent well, she still kicks my ass way too often. Downright cheerful in her defiance. I just... I don't know.

I never wanted to be That Mom whose whole self and world was swallowed up by my children, but the reality is raising these kids is what I do, it's the most important thing I do, and it consumes the largest portion of my brain and my energy and my time. Being a mom of babies has been part of my identity, the main part of my identity, for a long long time. (SIX! YEARS!) And now it's changing. My children need me in different ways. It feels strange. 

And somehow it's changing how I think about myself. 

Most days I don't know what to feel about that. 

Not yet anyway.

Charlotte at Eleven Months

Listen, this is weird: this is my last baby-month blog update. Probably ever. Charlotte is eleven months old, which means in a few short weeks she will be one and then she'll soon be a toddler not a baby and she's my last one and this is all going too fast and nooooooooooooo.

Deep breaths.

So like I was saying (in the most logical, least emotional way possible), Charlotte is eleven months old. And doing so great.

shiny eyes and crazy hair and gappy grin = love

Since the hospital, she has stayed with her all-milk diet and we haven't re-introduced solid food yet. She's doing well on milk, and gaining weight, so why run the risk of fussing with her tummy again until she's completely caught up? (Also you don't hear me complaining. In case I haven't mentioned it once or a hundred times, baby food sucks.) She's sucking down about six bottles a day, plus nursing once or twice, and seems perfectly content with that.

She's also become (dare I say it?) kind of... mobile. I mean, she can't really crawl, but she can definitely drag herself and roll herself to where she wants to go. Yesterday that meant right out the back door and down the stoop in an attempt to go play with Nathan and Anneliese who were squirting each other with the hose. (I intervened too late. They got Charlotte too.) She's also sitting well, very consistently, and will gladly bear weight on her legs which continues to be the most shocking thing a Goettsch child can do.

We're also seeing a sensitive side of Charlotte come out now that she's moving around a little.  For months, firm words, while she certainly heard them, were really only directed at other people. But now that she's kind of into everything, we've had to do some quick yelps and grabs to save her from things like, say, power cords and electrical sockets.  And it just breaks her heart every time. The lip trembles and she cries a sad sad cry. We're trying to be as gentle as we can in our reprimands so we don't make her panic, while still also teaching her that some things really are scary. That chair! It will tip over! Really!

She's increasingly dependent on other people to entertain her. She has a high tolerance for stimulation, and a low tolerance for boredom. She doesn't ever seem exhausted of Nathan and Anneliese all up in her face with noisy toys and voices and silliness, but when they're ready for a break she's pissed. Never too much attention for this one! Did you know there's nothing more hilarious than a big brother showing how high he can jump, or a big sister blowing on your face over and over again?  True story.

I'm trying not to panic that before the next month passes, my last baby will be past her official babyhood (*sobs*) and suddenly I won't be a mom of little babies anymore. For the first time in five years. (Oh heavens. Five years. Also before the month is out, Nathan will be five. Speaking of panic. Post for another day.) For now I am going to make the most of another few weeks of her first year.

Happy eleven months, sweet growing girl.

Bottle Love (Hate) (Love)

Y'all, look at this.

It's my baby. Holding a bottle. My baby. WEIRD, right?  This is not something Nathan or Anneliese ever did very well. It's not a sight we're used to in these parts. It's something I see in other babies and in magazines (true story though, I mostly avoid parenting magazines like... well, like the exploitative fear-mongering literature they are. That's a post for another day). But anyway my babies haven't been bottle babies. We've always been happy being pretty much a boob family.

Except, we aren't anymore.

Now that we're doing strict calorie counting with Charlotte, and since she still isn't back to eating solids, we're (quite suddenly!) very much a bottle family. Mostly for two reasons:
1- we can count the exact calories in a bottle.
2- we can add extra calories (formula powder) to a bottle.
Neither of those things are possible when she gets it straight from the tap (as it were).  So, she's getting a lot of bottles these days. Like, a lot. A LOT.

I don't know how I feel about this.

On the one hand, I hate it. She only nurses once or twice a day now and it's really difficult to keep her undistracted, and it makes me sad to think she'll wean before I had assumed she would. (I definitely will not have a nursing toddler on my hands again.) While it's true that (before she got sick and we changed her feeding plan) she was already less into the boob than her brother or sister were at this age, she's even less interested now. And if she's not interested, she sometimes doesn't nurse long enough for a good letdown. Fewer good letdowns means lower demand for my body's milk, which means lower milk supply from mommy, which means... she's less interested. I am starting to see why all those people teach that adding bottles/formula makes breastfeeding harder. It's kind of true. Totally true actually. It's slowly killing this wonderful part of our relationship, this thing that is the healthiest thing I can do for my baby, nurturing in terms of both food and emotional bond. We're hanging on, but I know the end is near. So that's what I don't like about it.

On the other hand, I love it. I've spent a lot of years talking about how easy breastfeeding is compared to bottles: it's free, portable and always ready, fast. And I still think all of those things. But bottle feeding is also easier than I thought it would be.  It's not that hard to get bottles ready, and since she can feed them to herself, it actually takes less time these days than nursing. Well, less of my time. (That's a relevant point when you have three kids.) And since she accepts them at room temperature, bringing them on the go has also been no problem. Basically, Nathan and Anneliese (rather, the bottle finicky-ness I allowed from Nathan and Anneliese) trained me up that bottles = hard. But it turns out, it's fine. More importantly, IT'S WORKING. Not vomiting or staying hungry is doing wonderful things for Charlotte's mood and her strength. She's back to her sunny self! We measure out her calories, she drinks them, she keeps it down, and she's gaining weight. I just really can't say anything bad about that. It's so much simpler than I thought it would be.

Also? It should go without saying, but this all-milk, mostly-bottles thing is far easier than baby food.  Stupid slow messy baby food. Curses!

(I would have done this bottle system with Nathan and Anneliese til they were at least 1, and delayed solids even longer, if I would have known it could be this easy. DOWN WITH BABY FOOD.)

Anyway so yeah, we're totally adjusting to it. It's really no big deal, it turns out. And that's the update on Charlotte and her new bottle life. Thriving.

Oh and one more thought on all this: ALSO DOWN WITH PUMPING. That is all.

Know What's Great About This? Hospital Edition

Well we are home from the hospital. Whew.

After four days there, we still don't have a great answer about exactly why Charlotte got so sick, but what is clear is that her sensitive little tummy isn't ready for the volume or variety of foods she had been eating.  Since babies don't technically need solid foods til they're one or so, we are just going to stick with a mostly-milk diet for the next few months, and only offer solids for... well, for practice, basically.

I will keep breastfeeding (nature's perfect food! #shoutout) and we will give her lots of bottles of pumped milk (also from her milk sister Sally's mom, emu! #shoutout) fortified with formula powder.  Yup, it's Charlotte's very own Baby Bodybuilding Shake (patent pending).

It's been an emotionally exhausting stay in the hospital (aren't they all?) but instead of dwelling on the hard and ugly parts, we've kinda decided our new thing is going to be the "hey you know what's great about this?" approach to frustrating situations.  We've had to force it, but it's there.

Know what's great about being sick in the hospital? 

Lots of baby-sleep photo ops that mommy would normally miss. Oh and the half-gown, half-PJ look to keep warm and accomodate an IV? totally the newest trend in hospital wear.

Being in the hospital means having mommy all to myself.

Learning to do ultrasounds is kind of fun. Next time I do this, it might be to hear my first baby's heartbeat!

Get-well-soon faces from Daddy make me laugh.

Wheelchairs! This is how the hospital insists on transporting us anywhere. Which mommy says is ridiculous but I say is fun.

A hospital bed means brother and sister will climb up and make me smile.

Another Nathan surprised us by bringing Wednesday coffee date to us in the hospital! He made us laugh, worrying every time the IV pole beeped.

Hospital procedures are exhausting but when I finally fall asleep, boy does mommy have eyelash envy.

And coming home feels soooo good.

Thanks for all the encouraging words and messages, everyone.  We feel so loved.

Oh Sicky Charlotte

This will be a quick and not-funny blog update because... well frankly that's all I've got in me right now.

So... underneath the giggles and milestones, Charlotte hasn't been feeling so healthy recently.  She's been throwing up most of her food for a couple of weeks -- not a great way to pack on the pounds like she's supposed to be doing. Remember how she's underweight and her growth has slowed pretty significantly since February?  Yeah.

Over the weekend she seemed to be getting worse, so we took her to the doctor on Monday and they admitted her to the hospital, which is where I'm writing this.

After a day on IV fluids for dehydration, and cutting all food out of her diet except milk, Charlotte has perked up considerably.  The vomiting has been quelled and she's in much better spirits. And now that the IV is out of her right arm and she has her thumb back, she's even sleeping a bit better.

Ummm, as well as anyone sleeps well in a hospital.  That's to say... not well.

I can't keep any food down, but this IV cord sure is tasty!

As of today we are finally putting together some information about what's going on with her. She has a mild kidney infection (and an ongoing kidney issue which will make her prone to infections in the future as well) which is probably what caused her dehydration and weakness over the last few days, but doesn't explain the weeks of vomiting.  Sadly we still don't have a clear answer about what caused that, but we do at least know that putting her on an all-milk diet is working for now.

So for now, Mark has been home with Nathan and Anneliese (who are going for unexpected grandparent visits starting tonight) while I have been at the hospital with Charlotte. For now, we are just waiting on a few more tests and results, and for her to regain enough strength and weight to go home, hopefully before the weekend.

Please pray for our baby girl?

Charlotte at Nine Months

Charlotte is nine months old today!

And, coincidentally, based on careful calendar-counting of 41 weeks gestation (minus the two "pregnant" weeks before she was actually in there), plus 41 weeks and a day since she was born... it's also her inside-out day!

That means she's officially been out here in the world longer than she was inside me.

WHAT.

(Cue predictable commentary about the impossibility of this, because her pregnancy was clearly forrrrrevvvvverrrr long, and also wasn't she born like ten minutes ago?)

signature gap-tooth grin

The best way I can describe Charlotte at nine months is on the verge.

On the verge of talking. We hear dada with some regularity, and once I swear I heard a mama but considering it hasn't happened since, I'm finally conceding it was an accident. We hear a ha! every time we see her or greet her, which we're pretty sure is hi. And in case anyone wasn't sure how to melt Mark's heart, a gap-toothed beautiful baby girl flailing her arms saying ha dada! will totally do it. True story.

On the verge of sitting. She's oh so close. If she's really in the mood she can hold herself up for a few seconds, but never long enough yet to get a picture. I give it a few weeks. Well, nine months and a few weeks. She's following in her siblings' delayed-gross-motor footsteps after all. But that's a post for another day. For now, she's less behind than they were (we think?) and the important thing is she is on the verge of sitting! As all mommies can attest, a whole world of photographable moments will come when this finally happens.

playing in big sister's room

On the verge of a growth spurt. We haven't had her nine month checkup yet, so we don't know if she's actually gained much since starting solids a few weeks ago, but to our eyes (the ones that matter), she is losing some of the lanky skinniness that has defined her for the last few months, and she's finally starting to fill out a little. Anyway she eats incredibly well (and incredibly much). I can feel the growth spurt coming.

On the verge of weaning. This one brings mixed feelings, so I don't want to write too much about it.  But now that Charlotte has food, she doesn't care as much about the boob. Sad but true. She still nurses 3-4 times a day, but it takes an effort to keep her focused on feeding instead of whatever her brother and sister are doing, or whoever else might be in the room talking. It's the opposite of Nathan and Anneliese who both resisted food somewhat (Nathan especially) (story of his life now that I think about it) in favor of nursing. With Charlotte, I'm going to keep going as long as I can, but I don't know if she'll even last the year I was hoping for, and almost certainly not longer.

On the verge of real personality (and by personality I mean opinions). In the past week or so, she has started to balk when we strap her in her car seat, put her in her crib before she's ready (oh baby girl, you will learn I don't care; it's naptime), or replace a toy she's holding with something safer (like an actual toy). She is starting to expect us to pick things up when she drops (read: throws) them. And she's just learning that if she giggles she will get all the attention. I sense a stirring of personality that is about to explode onto the scene. Brace yourself.  And stay tuned.

Yay for nine months, baby girl! I love you even more now than I did the day I found out you were in me (and believe me, that was already a lot). Happy inside out, little Charlotte.

Another Charleston Wedding

We just got back from our second Charleston wedding in as many years, this one for my cousin Meredith. I only have two cousins (weird, right?) and they're both getting married this year (weirder, right?) and exactly to the day, three months apart (weird... oh you get my drift).

Anyway the whole thing was a very southern classy affair (what else would you expect from a destination wedding in Charleston?) and Meredith was a lovely bride. And one of the best things about it was having a weekend with my whole family together, even Brad. (That's never not a big deal.)

I forgot my camera and had to do the best I could with my phone (and what I could beg from my brother's iphone in any given moment), and sadly none of those include a shot of the bride and groom. Nonetheless, here are some of my favorite bride-less pics from this weekend...

My siblings and me, and all our loves. This picture makes me smile really big.

Self-pics with Grandpa. #madeyoulaugh

(And he admitted he reads every word of this blog. Twice) (Hi Grandpa. Still confuddled about my fancy phone camera? #shoutout) (That hashtag just confuddled him further. Guarantee it.)

Just breastfeeding my baby on a carriage ride in downtown historic Charleston. Nbd.

Brilliant photobomb by Ashley and John. Clearly soul mates, those two.

Ashley and me with our future sister Marija.

Mark and me, at the ceremony. I love having a hott date.

Congrats to Meredith, the new Mrs. Chapman! Don't worry dear cousin, weddings and names aside, you'll always a bit Bumgarner. And that's a good thing.

Burping Song

Sometime when Nathan was an infant, probably near the holidays but let's be honest who really knows, I started singing about burping to the tune of Sing We Now of Christmas (like you do). And it stuck. All through his babyhood and then into Anneliese's, and now into Charlotte's, pretty much every time I nurse and burp a baby, I sing this song.

Since I nursed Nathan for twenty months, and Anneliese for fifteen, and now Charlotte for seven and counting, that's like forty-three combined months (so far!) of nursing and burping and singing and, um*... whoa. Needless to say, the song has become a staple we barely notice anymore. So obviously the kids have picked it up, and they now sing along too.

Yes, we have family carol sessions about burping, multiple times a day. For like five years. Wow it didn't seem that weird til I put it in writing. Ah well.

This will go down as a Thing, so in the interest of memory-capturing, Mark filmed it one night. As you can see, Anneliese doesn't somuch understand the words as just sing sing sing burp burp burp sing burp sing sing. Which, you know. Good enough for me.

(You can also see that I'm desperate for a haircut and Anneliese has some sticker on her face that I don't have a great explanation for. Sorry.) (But if you wait til the end you get to hear me ask which kid smells like poop, so... you're welcome?)

I present to you... The Burping Song.


If you can't see the video embedded above, click here to watch it on YouTube.

We're pretty much the next Von Trapps. Everybody says it.

*Also explains the mom boobs. Sigh.

Charlotte at Seven Months

Baby Charlotte is seven months old today! Lucky seven. Which means she's well on the way to being not an infant anymore, but I'm pretending that's not the case because (again!) with the baby, with the growing up, with the way too fast can I keep bringing this up every month?  Because it keeps being true!

And it's also true that she's more beautiful, and has a more beautiful spirit, every time I turn around.

Anyway.

Here is Charlotte's report card at seven months old:

Sleeping -- I totally shouldn't tell the internet this, but Charlotte is officially, once and for all, for sure definitely sleeping through the night (*holds breath waiting for lightning to strike*). No seriously. She goes down at 7 and usually isn't up til 6 or later the next morning. It's earlier than I want to get up, but I'll take it.  (And let's be honest, the 6am waking has always been, and forever will be, Daddy's.) B

Socializing -- We have a very smiley and curious baby on our hands, folks. She's interested in the world around her (and by "world" I mostly mean "whatever Nathan and Anneliese are doing"), she giggles when poked, she's incredibly flexible being out and about to run errands and stuff, usually happy even when it's her naptime. However, she is starting to get a little screamy at the gym and in the church nursery when I try to leave her when she's tired. (I only let her take one nap a day, which yes I know is horrible, but it works best for our family schedule so just... deal, internet, deal.) Apparently in those moments, only mommy hugs will do? Healthy attachments to loved ones are great, but other people can be super too. Even when you're tired.  Let's work on that, Squeaks. C+

Eating -- She nurses like a champ, and we still haven't had to enter that annoying baby food stage where I have to remember to pack food and bibs and spoons and whatnot, and then watch her make a slow mess of it while I inevitably lose control of what the big kids are doing in the meantime. (Yeah. Not a fan. Dreading that stage. Can you tell?) But she still nurses well enough and often enough, she's growing great (finally! we have a thriver!) so in my book, the continuation of this simple feeding option is a solid A+.

Bathing -- Charlotte, you still have only had like three baths. In your life. Well, four if you count the day I came home and in a fit of ocd took a foot scrub and a comb to your scalp in the hopes of removing your cradle cap.  (Which I mostly didn't. And every second of which, you hated.)  Let's totally count it though, okay?  And seriously girl, you've gotta jump in the shower more often! Hello! Personal hygeine! F

Strengthening -- So apparently the third time's the charm, because Charlotte will actually (wait for it)... bear weight on her legs. I KNOW. She also rolls (and rolls and rolls) and is trying to use her torso to sit up a bit, but I don't care so much about any of that other stuff because the fact that she will bear weight on her legs is the tiniest bit earth-shattering* in these parts.  I don't... I just... I can't wrap my brain around it. (*For those of you who aren't properly impressed with a Goettsch baby being only four months behind on gross motor skillz, just... shut it.) B+

So once again I did my fancy mommy math and this whole thing averages out to an A+ baby.

(Basically the fancy math amounts to this: you sleep + you smile = you pass.)

Love you, sweet Charlotte.

Milk Sisters

Our friend Elisabeth (emu) came over this week so all our girls could play together.  Highlights included Annie and Anneliese acting out a live birthing scene in an infant car seat with a baby doll between the knees (oh yes they did), trying on Nathan's underpants, and running around in circles hollering as only good southern toddlers can.

Charlotte and Sally are too posh (read: immobile) for such endeavors, so they mostly rolled around on the floor looking cute. We might have taken a picture or twelve.

these two have cornered the market on huge blue eyes, yes?

Last month, Sally was generous enough to share a healthy freezer portion of her mama's milk with Charlotte, while I went through some medical issues and couldn't nurse or pump as much. We're so grateful. Seriously, you will basically feed my baby when I can't? Who has friends like that?? Um, I do, apparently. I never imagined myself in a milk-sharing situation, especially an informal, unofficial one.  But here am, humbled and honored by it.  An incredibly supportive move from a very sweet friend.

I hope these little milk sisters will be great friends someday too.

Mommy and Me Time

Mark took the big kids on a road trip for the weekend.  He went to Clemson for the football game, and Nathan and Anneliese visited the grandparents in Huntersville.  For those of you doing the math at home, that leaves just Charlotte and me back at home.

Which means my weekend looked a lot like this:

And this:

And, because I've decided that I care not one lick about internet-offending anyone who thinks that a baby smiling while nursing is anything less than precious, this:

... In a word, glorious.

There's a part of me that feels guilty for saying that.  I mean, I love Nathan and Anneliese and Mark.  Obviously I do.  But dang if I don't also want and need quiet easy bonding time with Charlotte. 

So, I shamelessly revel.

We ignored the clock and did whatever we wanted. We snuggled.  We went outlet shopping. We took a nap on the floor.  We caught up on the dvr.  We went out to dinner, twice. We went and looked at new houses with a friend. We spent both nights co-sleeping with no crying.

And if there's a better way to feel mommy-lovedrunk first thing in the morning than waking up to this sweet sight, I don't know what it is.

So basically, pretending Charlotte and I were the only two people alive for a couple of days was good for my soul. Yeah.

What I learned at the State Fair

We hit the state fair this year with four adults and four babies. Me and Mark, Ashley and John, Nathan, Anneliese, and the two newborns Charlotte and Liam. And before you raise your eyebrows too high, you should know that we handled it just fine.  Mostly. 

Here's what I learned:

1.) It's totally possible to pee on a portapotty while wearing a baby in a bjorn.  Ashley and Mark both proved it.

2.) If you send one adult and two kids to the top of a giant slide, one of the kids will inevitably get panicky and you will have to send another adult to the rescue. That same panicky child will, within the next two hours, be begging to ride everything he sees, including rides designed for grownups.

3.) My son is a woo girl on amusement park rides.  (So is his Uncle John.)

4.) And apparently the two of them got together and converted Mark as well.

Hands off, ladies. He's all mine.

5.) It's possible to eat an egg roll for breakfast, a pineapple slushy for a snack, and a fried snickers bar for lunch, and still not feel nutritionally satisfied.  Who knew.

6.) My sister can shove her face full of funnel cake, get powedered sugar everywhere, includingon the maternity pants she's still rockin', and still be absolutely beautiful.

7.) Cows are prettier when they've had their hair vacuumed.  Oh yes.  They did that.

8.) If you go on a reeeeally high swing ride, and get kind of scared, your husband won't hold your hand and make you feel better.  Oh no.  He will make a video of you panicking.  {footage not for public internet consumption. sorry.}

9.) It is indeed possible for me to contain four babies at a carnival, by myself, even when one of them is on the boob (you can't see Liam but he's in the stroller and I am in control, I promise).  Supermom what.

10.) One thing I did not learn: What is a dead animal petting zoo, exactly?  No really.  Not a rhetorical question.  I need to know.

For more pictures of our Goettsch/Grice trip to the state fair, click here for the photobucket album.

Budding Lactivists?

It's funny how quickly boobs have once again become a normal part of our family's life.  I'm one of those anytime, anywhere nursing moms (considering the frequency with which newborns eat, and that I'm also chasing around after two other kids, I wouldn't know how not to be), and it's clear both Nathan and Anneliese have picked up on it.

When I stopped to feed Charlotte the other day at Target, and a shopper asked me if I "needed to do that* right here," Nathan's silly and chatty mood prompted him to answer right away: Yes because Charlotte likes milk from mommy.  Made me smile to see him just take her question at face value.  Well-handled, sweetie.  Even though you are clueless of what she was really asking.

And Anneliese has spent the last week or so wandering around the house with her shirt yanked up so she can breastfeed her new favorite doll. 

PS I totally did this as a child too. (Picture here). 

Even Nathan has taken a few turns at nursing.  And most recently, Anneliese has had Hattie doing it.  Yes, Hattie the stuffed frog.  Breastfeeding a baby doll.  It's as hilarious as it sounds.

They aren't really young breastfeeding advocates, of course.  They're just innocently reacting to an everyday situation, without knowledge of any agenda. That's a good thing, I think.

I love that for my kids, this is just... normal.

*Don't worry, a store employee was nearby and right away told her it was no big deal and pretty much to bug off.  I might get asked about nursing in public more often than other people, but I think I'm also less likely to hesitate to do it than some other moms (I'm out and about a lot, and I remain firmly in the camp of hunger screams being more offensive than nursing babies), so that's probably why.  And except for a handful of times, people who do comment are really positive. So don't get worked up, real lactivists.  It's fine.

Tongue Tie

Well, it took two weeks but we finally figured out what was going on with Charlotte's latch that was making nursing so painful -- she was tongue-tied.

Mark suspected something weird was going on with her tongue almost a week ago when he noticed he couldn't see it at all when she took a bottle (which has a clear nipple... he should be able to see it).  Once he pointed that out, I realized I never saw it when she was nursing either (and I usually could, a little, with Nathan and Anneliese).

And although the nursing pain had abated a good bit, it was still there... and when it went to both sides instead of just on the right, I started researching.  Turns out there were a bunch more indications that's what it could be, so we asked about it at her checkup earlier this week.  Our doctor took a look and he agreed she was indeed a little tongue-tied.

Not Charlotte.  A different tongue-tied baby.

(Tongue-tie, by the way, is when the frenulum -- the piece of tissue that connects the tongue to the floor of the mouth -- is too short.  It means that the tongue is too "attached" to the bottom of the mouth, which can cause problems with nursing and eventually eating and speaking as well.)

Charlotte's case was mild, and she had clearly found a way to compensate for the difficult latch and still get enough milk (she had gained close to two pounds since her last checkup ten days earlier... yowza), but since it was still causing me pain, and would be more difficult to fix later when the frenulum is thicker and more formed, we opted to do it now.

They gave her some pain meds, kicked me out of the room, and the procedure basically involved just clipping tissue to allow her tongue more freedom of movement.  It bled a little.  Charlotte was upset but not for long.

Mommy's tears: maybe worse than this.  And definitely not pictured.

I nursed her to calm her down afterwards, and right away I could tell her latch felt so much better.  And when she cries now, her tongue comes way farther out of her mouth.  She's had a fussy few days that I suspect are related to her sore mouth, but we'll get through it. 

I've had a handful of people (several veteran moms, including my own, and even our doctor) tell me in the last few weeks that some nursing pain is normal at the beginning.  But while I definitely got sore with my first two babies while my body eased into breastfeeding, I never had any pain with them (besides Anneleise's bad latch).  So the concept of "normal pain" was sort of lost on me.  Clearly what's normal for some moms is definitely not for others.  Score one more in the category of trusting your instincts.

Just goes to show that every mom is different, every baby is different, and even third-time moms still have something to learn about this whole nursing thing!

Nathan and Charlotte

As surprising as Anneliese's quick bonding with Charlotte has been, Nathan's has been anything but.  We fully expected him to be quite taken with his new sister quite fast, and indeed he was. 

He's so good and so gentle, and so concerned when she cries.  He's constantly bringing her things to make her feel better when she fusses -- Kate the puppy, his friend cars, a toy plane, etc.  He's constantly telling us that she's thirsty for milk from mommy... the idea that mommy's milk is Charlotte's drink and food seems lost on him, so he only ever calls her thirsty, not hungry. :)

Yesterday morning while I was on a boob break,* Nathan got to feed Charlotte a bottle.  He took his big brother responsibility very seriously.

And later that morning, I found Charlotte napping in his bed.  Apparently Mark put her there while he was playing upstairs with Nathan and Anneliese.  And Nathan had kindly surrounded his baby sister with some lego and matchbox cars and trucks.**  All totally necessary for sleeping, of course.  Very sweet in a very Nathan way.

He keeps asking me if she knows him yet.  He's clearly anxious for her to be as attached to him as he already is to her.

And these two are definitely cut from the same cloth.  I keep thinking to myself how much Charlotte reminds me of Nathan as a newborn.  It's not in my head!  They look so much alike!

Nathan at 2 days old... Charlotte at 2 days old

Yay for sibling bonding.  :)  If it made me happy when there were only two, I'm excited at the possibilities with three!

*The last boob break I've taken! Yay, it's getting better.  Also the construction seems to have moved down the street somewhat.  Wins all around.

** Yes, yes, we do indeed own a toy tractor trailer with the undertaker on the side.  Nathan calls it his redneck truck. *sigh* THANK YOU ASHLEY.

Left Boob, Right Boob, Boob in a Bottle

Disclaimer: in case you didn't guess from the title, this post is about nursing.  If that makes you squirmy, then... well, first of all, get over it.  And second, oh it's okay, just don't read this.  (But no seriously get over it.)

Okay so you'd think that by the third child, I would know how to breastfeed.  You would be wrong.  Again.  I started having some pain on my right side yesterday, but couldn't find anything wrong with her latch.  It got progressively worse throughout the night, and by 3am I was having toe-curling pain when she was nursing, and residual soreness even when she wasn't, and oh yeah there's that horrifying blood blister that made an appearance early this afternoon.  Yes, it's as painful as it sounds.

I don't think it's a bad latch, because A- the left side is fine which means she's clearly doing it right over there, B- I checked her latch, multiple times, and it's pretty much textbook-perfect, and C- it even hurts to pump, and a pump can't have a bad latch.  So I have no idea what the original source of the pain is, but do know I'm not nursing through it.  Nope.  I have no need to be a hero or a martyr to that kind of pain (see: I *heart* epidurals), nor was I willing to switch her to all left-side nursings, pump the right, and risk stimulating extra milk production and getting even more engorged (my boobs are... um, not small to begin with, especially while nursing).

Which means Charlotte got her first bottle today.  Like Anneliese, way earlier than we planned to.  (Unlike Anneliese, Charlotte's bottle wasn't full of bloody milk.  We're limiting our vampire children to just the one for now, thankyouverymuch.)

She did just fine, and afterwards she nursed just fine (on the left) also.  Awesome. 

So now we have officially expanded her mealtime choices to three: left boob, right boob, or boob in a bottle. 

It's a heck of a menu.  I'm just sayin'.

Weaned: A Milestone

Today I nursed Anneliese, and I decided it would be the last time.  I sat on the couch and held my long and lanky fifteen-month-old in my arms, and let myself pretend she was a tiny baby again, just for a little while.  She nursed for half an hour, interspersed with bursts of giggling and a few milky smiles, and then she popped her thumb in her mouth and cuddled with me even longer.

the last post-nursing snuggle

It was a sweet and snuggly and babyish moment.  And it's exactly how I want to remember our nursing relationship. So I'm ending it now.


Technically she's been on the wean for months, ever since we started dropping feedings and normalizing her nursing schedule last summer.  And since she turned one, that last feeding she's been holding onto hasn't even happened every day.  This morning is actually the first time she's wanted to nurse in four or five days.

Part of me would prefer that Anneliese made the final call on when we stopped for good.  But the smart and logical half of me knows it's perfectly okay for me to look at her declining interest (not to mention my ever-expanding womb!) and discern that it's time.

in the beginning... learning to nurse on her birth day :)

For two years our bodies have been connected.  Through pregnancy and infancy, Anneliese has been physically reliant on me for growth and nutrition.  And now we're moving to a new level of independence.  Permanently severing that connection is healthy and good, but also sad.  And weird.


I feel good that I didn't push her off before she was ready, I feel good that it's been (vampire milk aside) a wonderful breastfeeding relationship, and I feel good that we ended on a sweet and happy note, instead of a tearful power struggle (well, maybe it's too soon to rule that out, but I think it'll be okay).

A wise-without-knowing-it friend pointed out that weaning is such a milestone.  I hadn't thought about it like that before.  It sure makes it sound like something positive, a big next step for a growing girl, doesn't it?  So I'm trying to think about it that way, instead of being sad at the end of an era.

Anneliese's babyhood is slipping right through my fingers.  It's bittersweet.  Emphasis on the sweet?... I'm trying.

Eleven Months: Almost 1!

Anneliese is eleven months old today.  This is the last time I get to count her age in months.  (Except in mommy circles.  Mommies can think in months when no one else can.  Mommies can also think in weeks -- up to forty, anyway -- when no one else can.  True story.)  I can't believe my little baby girl is almost one.  Wasn't she born like a few days ago or something?

A year ago this week, I was getting ready for a mommy-daughter baby shower, watching Mark assemble a tandem stroller (you know, for our two babies), taking a tour of the birthing unit where Beanie would be born (a trip which ended with me overwhelmed and sobbing in the hospital parking deck), and starting a little guess-the-birth-date contest (which thirty-eight of you participated in, and none of you guessed the right date). 

And now that baby we were getting ready for is almost one.

This month, Anneliese has:

- weaned herself down to one nursing a day, which broke my heart for a few minutes (or weeks, who's counting) until I realized she's still voraciously interested in that morning feeding, and is therefore definitely not done with the breastfeeding relationship... which means she'll still feel like a baby to me for at least a little while longer.

- taken two road trips (a day trip to the beach, and a weekend in Huntersville) and slept like a champ on both of them.

- finally gotten her top two teeth in (after getting the two bottom ones really early, before five months).

- perfected her backwards sit-scoot around the house -- as you can see, she's quite pleased with herself about it.

- had gleeful fun emptying the toy and clothing bins in her room, and the dvd rack in the living room.

- started saying boo when we play peek-a-boo with her, and started saying ball and hey more consistently.  Also, new yesterday!  She is emphatically (almost frantically) saying nay-nay-nay-nay when she sees Nathan.  So precious.  (Still not as awesome as mama, but it's a very cute second.)  Video forthcoming; stay tuned (try not to fall of the edge of your seats).

- gotten herself down to one nap a day (I might or might not have (brace yourself: euphemism alert) "encouraged" this, to get both kids on the same nap schedule... which has now finally happened, praise the Lord).

- eaten lots and lots of "grownup" meals, when I toss our leftover dinners (as well as any miscellaneous produce we have left in our farm share box) in the food processor to freeze in jars (Merritt's pizza casserole is one of her favorites) -- yes, it looks completely gross, but she eats it great, poops it great, and she's growing well... plus it saves me lots of money over store-bought baby food.

- gotten very good at picking up puffs and cheerios (and small chunks of canned pears) and feeding them to herself.

- put on over a pound of weight -- she's now just over 17 lbs (7th percentile) and 31 inches long (off-the-charts tall), and we're so thankful her weight is now going up instead of down.

- stayed the prettiest almost-one-year old I know, and made her family and friends smile every day.

We love you, Anneliese!  Happy eleven months, sweetie!

Top Ten at Ten Months

Anneliese is ten months old!  She's having a fun and playful summer, and she's growing up so fast.  In a few short weeks, we'll have to start saying she's "almost one" -- whoa, how did that happen already?

Here are the top ten things Anneliese has been up to over the last month:

1.) Saying mama!  (Yes, this is clearly #1.)  Sometimes it's mom, sometimes it's mama, sometimes it's MAAAMAAAAMAAAAMAAAA.  And I love every version.

2.) Self-feeding!  She started finger foods this month.  So far, just puffs, but she loves 'em.  She also started holding her own sippy cup.  It took lots of practice on both counts, but she concentrated and stayed focus and made it happen.  So fun to watch her try and try and try... and succeed!  So proud of my baby girl.

3.) High chair graduation!  We have retired the plastic reclining high chair (this one) and moved her into the upright wood one Nathan had been using (this one).  Both kids look so much older now when we sit down to dinner. :)

4.) Perfecting the art of sitting!  She rarely topples over anymore, and rarely lies on her back for playtime these days.  She's such a good sitter, finally.

5.) Scooting!  (Kind of.)  When she's on her tummy, she can use her arms to push herself backwards.  I'm pretty sure it's unintentional, but it's one slow step towards mobility.  Which is one giant leap for Anneliese.

6.) Holding her weight!  No real weight gain this month, but no weight loss this time either.  On our home scale, she's right at 16 lbs.  We'll take it.  We have introduced junk food, since that's a diet plan that works whenever I want to gain weight.  She had her first lemon pudding snack pack this week. Mom of the year what?

7.) Big bathtub!  Now that Anneliese can sit well, she gets to take baths with Nathan in the big tub.  (Which means I should probably move that infant sink tub out of our way so we can stop tripping over it.  Housewife of the year what?) She loves it.  He's very bossy with her, telling her how to use her washcloth and which toys to play with, and how to stick them on the side of the tub.  It's fun.  :)

8.) The wean continues!  I wasn't sure if she would even want to breastfeed when we got back from our cruise, and she definitely fussed and hesitated the first time I tried.  But I dropped the mid-day feeding, and now she's gladly nursing when she wakes up in the morning and when she goes down at night.  Which has freed up lots of my energy (I'm always amazed how much energy I gain back every time I drop a feeding... went through that with Nathan too), and has allowed me some caffeine indulgences in the mornings.  I'm happy she's still nursing, but I'm also happy that she's decreasingly dependent on it.  It means she's growing and developing and gaining independence.  Even when losing their baby-ness is hard to swallow, it is what I want for my children.

9.) Fake laughing!  Anneliese has learned that if she makes a funny face, sticks out her tongue, and forces a laugh, that we will all laugh with her.  (Baby fake laughs are so funny, how can you not laugh?  Remember Nathan's?)  Which then pulls a real laugh out of her.  It's a wonderful pattern that gets repeated at least ten times a day in our house.

10.) I mentioned the whole mama thing, right?  Just making sure.

Happy ten months, sweet Anneliese!  It's super to see your feisty little personality and your determination coming out recently.  We love you so much, baby girl!

Grandpa B's 85th... With Some Fussing

I have been in Huntersville for the last two days, ready to celebrate my Grandpa B's 85th birthday.  Which is a huge reason to celebrate, not just because 85 (and counting!) is a major milestone, but because he's had some health troubles in the last few months from which he has now made a full recovery.  Yay! 

Grandpa is strong, opinionated (ahem), emotionally invested in his family, and has an incredible work ethic (being a Marine will do that, I guess).  He loves babies, and even at 85 years old, he's happy to get down on all fours and crawl around with Nathan or tickle Anneliese in the hopes of some baby giggles.  Seeing him grinning and laughing with my kids is such a great feeling.

So anyway I have done a lot over the last few days.  Although I have no pictures to show for it.  Seriously I didn't take my camera out of my purse -- not even once -- all weekend.  You'll just have to take my word for it when I say how things went:

1.) I worshipped with Steven and Betsy at their church yesterday afternoon.  It was so very different from my own church here in Raleigh, and I like that it shook me out of my element a little.  It was fun to make music with old friends (and our babies!) and to hear (and participate in!) such a... candid sermon.

2.) I had a mini-reunion with even older friends this morning.  Jenny and I took our kids to visit our middle school friend Jean and have a playdate with her son.  We hadn't seen her in almost fifteen years.  (I'm kind of in denial that I'm even old enough to say that.  Yikes.)  We got to visit and catch up a little, and it was nice to have a low-key morning.  Her son is precious.  You'll have to take my word for it, because... again with the no pictures.  (Nathan was kind of scared of him though... I guess he hasn't been around many crawling babies?  He asked more than once if the baby was going to eat him.  Um, no.)

3.) I listened to Anneliese fuss.  She has been fussing constantly.  When she's not with me, she's hollering about it.  I think this is our first bout with separation anxiety.  It ain't pretty.  It's making me even more stressed and nervous about leaving her next weekend when we go to Charleston.  You'd think that having a baby calm down in your arms would be a really gratifying feeling -- and on some level, it is, I guess.  But really, when you know that it's only going to happen in your arms, it's pretty much just exhausting.  (Can I blame the no picture thing on her?  I did take a couple of pics with my phone when she calmed down for a rare few minutes this afternoon though.)

4.) After all that, I celebrated my Grandpa's birthday!!  Well, kind of.  I misunderstood the time of our dinner celebration and I made some bad decisions with the kids regarding food and bedtimes.  Nathan handled it like a champ, but Anneliese... well, she fussed.  And by fussed I mean, she fussed for a while and then all-out screamed.  So I sat mostly outside with my parents and sister, to keep the cacophony away from most people's ears.  We did regroup long enough to sing happy birthday (Grandpa teared up, it was really cute), and eat some good food really quickly.  Since I didn't do too much participating in the dinner party itself, I was glad that we saw a lot of Grandpa while we all stayed together at my dad's house.  The kids got lots of snuggles (fussy snuggles, in Anneliese's case) and we got to enjoy some downtime with him there.  Again, no pictures.  I promise it happened though.

And now it's almost 10pm and both kids are finally -- finally! -- sleeping.  What a day.

UPDATE (Tuesday 6/29):

5.) While I went to get my hair cut and highlighted this morning (no more gray! for now at least), Anneliese stayed with Mark's mom and was an angel.  My dad commented yesterday that he thought her separation anxiety might be of the "out of sight, out of mind" variety, since she took the fussing up a notch when she could see or hear me.  Apparently he was right!  She giggled and grinned and snuggled with Grandma, and even took a long morning nap!  I don't have photographic evidence of this, either (not yet anyway), but I do have proof that my hair is actually cut and highlighted.  That counts, right?

6.) I had car trouble on the way home.  The car kept jerking backwards (like it does if you accidentally put it in a gear too slow for the speed you're going) so we stopped for about two hours during lunchtime and naptime to get it looked at.  While there's probably no better place to be stuck with a two-year-old boy than a car shop surrounded by vehicles and tow trucks, it's still not ideal during naptime.  Especially when you've missed lunch.  And breastfeeding apparently isn't acceptable (don't even get me started).  Neither kid was terribly thrilled to begin with, but things took a real turn south when Nathan ran smack into a glass wall and then had to deal with not only the lingering pain but the fact that everyone in the room was laughing at him.  It's the one and only time I have ever seen him mad that he made people laugh.  Poor guy.  Poor pretty glass wall now smeared with greasy toddler head.  Anyway, after all that, it turns out I burned (or leaked) through almost a whole gallon of oil, which is apparently an indication that my engine is on its last leg.  Super.

But I'm home now and despite some traffic snags due to our car shop delay, having to unload in the rain, an an ugly horrifying encounter with a ginormous roach in my kitchen, I am glad to be back.

Less than three days to regroup and get ready for the next road trip!  But first... rest.