A Letter to My 20-Year-Old Self

Dear 20-Year-Old Erin,
You'll be come quite predictable over the next decade with your list-making and your round numbers and your unending lust for compartmentalizing portions of your life into tidy packages with no loose ends so you can have closure.  So because of that, this letter (and the list contained within it), written one day after I turn thirty, will surprise no one. 

But I am writing it anyway.

Here is a list of things (thirty things, of course) that I now know, that I wish you knew already.

1.) Don't freak out about turning twenty.  I know you think your teenage years were awesome (note: they weren't, turns out you're a big dork), but your twenties will be oh so much better.  So let go of being a teenager.  It's time to be a grownup.

2.) Stop fighting with Ashley.  You're in an awkward place now, but it will heal and the two of you will come back stronger than ever.  She's the best friend you've ever had.  And she will be again.  You'll come a little closer to seeing things the Ashley way, and she'll come a little closer to seeing things the Erin way.  So both of you need to get over it, and fast.  You're losing precious years of laughing when you choose to bicker instead.

3.) Mark loves that you're smart.  So stop worrying about him thinking you're a nerd (he knows, and he's cool with it).  He's kind of dorky too, although I know you are too love-drunk to see that now.  Just be yourself, geek and all, and don't apologize for it.

4.) Confidence is sexy.  So while you're getting over your worry about being a nerd, you might want to also stop worrying about how cute your boobs look in that bra and how your butt looks in those jeans.  (Everything's going to be shot to hell after two pregnancies and three years of breastfeeding anyway, so just rock what you've got right now, you'll never be hotter.)  Be confident, wear a smile, and know that you look just fine.  (You will have sorrier years and Mark will still want you. For realsies.) When you feel hott, you are hott.  And when you're thirty, you'll understand why you need two T's in hott: the extra one is for confidence.  (It makes sense.  It does.  Just go with it.)

5.) You're living in Germany right now, and I daresay you're not appreciating it enough.  This will turn out to be one of the highlights of the decade.  Drink in every second.  Give the Schroeters lots of extra hugs.  And don't be so scared that your German is terrible.  You're doing beautifully, and you're making your teachers and parents and host parents proud of you.  (Also, when you get deutsch-nervous, wine will always help.)

6.) Be more patient with Mark. Time for some tough love, chica.  Mark is brilliant at so much, why harp at him so much for communication not being his thing?  He can only do it as well as he's been taught, and he was taught very differently than you (word to the wise: a couple things about his way are totally better).  He will work hard, it will get easier, and most importantly, he deserves your kindness about it instead of your criticism.  You're mucking things up more than you realize, and your fights are more your own fault than you are willing to see.  He's going to make more of an effort for you than you could possibly know yet, so stop being so impatient now.

7.) When you get back from foreign study, there will be a guy named David at the end of your row in wind ensemble, with brown hair and glasses.  He will be a friend like none you've ever had before.  Don't wait weeks to figure out that he's dating your new roomie's best friend and then waste precious months resisting his attempts to befriend you. Just run up to him the first time you lay eyes on him, hug him, call him Schatzi and tell him you're his new hardcore bestie.  He will roll his eyes but he will secretly love you instantly, and will teach you oh so much about how to love thy neighbor.  (Heads up: don't tell him how much you love Survivor yet.  He needs to know you better first.  Plus, you'll get over that Survivor thing.  It will take a few years, but it will happen.)

8.) Stay up late, and sleep late, because you can.  Someday your sleep will be dictated by other forces in the universe (namely, your children), so sleep now, and sleep joyfully.  Embrace the sleep.  Appreciate the sleep.

9.) It's not about the grade; it's about the effort-to-grade ratio.  Mark is right about this.  The extra effort you're putting into that paper to get an A instead of a B isn't worth it.  No one will care in ten years.  No one will even care in one year.  Stop being a grade-grubber and go watch Bring it On again.  I promise that's more vital to your college experience.

10.) Stop feeling critical of Mom, and start taking her seriously.  She made a lot of good parenting decisions that you don't understand now, but you'll appreciate it when you become a mommy yourself.  You're going to want her and need her.  Oh, and you're going to be just like her.  So get on board.

11.) Cry.  Whenever you want.  Your crazy moods and emotions are who you are, and they're how you relate to the world.  The people who know you and love you best will accept (and expect) that kind of sappiness from you.  They don't care that you're not a pretty crier.  Don't feel like you have to suppress that part of yourself, just feel whatever you need to feel, even if it means you cry.  (But keep laughing a lot too!)

12.) The bangs? Don't grow them out.  You're going to want them back anyway.  Your forehead is too big to skip them.  Trust me on this.

13.) Go back to church.  You still talk to God all the time, you still believe everything you always did about following Jesus, so what are you doing floundering out there on your own?  You need the sense of community.  Plus it will be your only outlet for music-geek energy when you leave Furman.  Make a joyful noise already!

14.) Take guitar lessons while you're still at Furman.  You want to learn to play, and you don't want to spend the next decade wishing you had taken the lessons when it would have been so simple and easy (and when Mom and Dad would have paid for it as part of tuition), right?  Right?

15.) Put your keys in the same place every time you come home.  The sooner you pick a place and get consistent about it, the better.  Don't delay.  You and Mark will fight 50% less often (at least) if you can just keep up with your keys.  True story.

16.) When you graduate from college, there will be this website called Facebook.  Don't snub it.  Don't spend years resisting becoming a part of it, and mocking people who love it.  As with so many awesome things, resistance is futile.  Go ahead and sign up.  You will be glad you did.  It will reunite you with some cool people and respark a few real friendships. 

17.) Love on Simon a little bit extra every day.  You don't have the years and years with him you're expecting.  Make sure you give him some extra snuggles and walks and playtime in the years he has.  They will go quickly.

18.) Stop rolling your eyes at fussy toddlers in grocery stores and on planes.  You have no idea.

19.) Your family will count on you, and at times over the next decade you will need to keep it together and be strong for Dad and Mom and Ashley and Brad, each in turn.  So appreciate the ways they're taking care of you now.

20.) In a few short months, a professor will introduce you to the Oxford English Dictionary.  That course will prove to be the hardest of your collegiate career, but don't worry, you'll get the grade.  And the oed will change your life and how you feel about and approach your own language.  Mark and your family will mock you mercilessly for your oed love, but pay no matter.  Look up as many words as you can as long as you have free access.  In ten years, the computer you've been using to access Furman's membership by proxy will be stolen, and the new one's IT address won't register, and you won't be able to get ahold of Reference Steve to get you the hookup again.  (Oh yeah, and hug Reference Steve.  He'll be your favorite librarian.)

21.) Your college friends and roommates are awesome.  You will never again live in a situation with people so close by, who are so easy to talk to, who love you so much (the real you!) who are always ready to hang out or do something fun. Say yes to all those late-night Denny's study trips.  Say yes to every suggestion of rewatching When Harry Met Sally. Say yes to every Thursday night in downtown Greenville.  Enjoy your friends more, and your papers less.

22.) Mark is going to be an awesome husband. You're going to work way harder at marriage than either of you knows yet, but you're not scared of hard work, right?  He's totally worth the effort, and is every bit the amazing man you're hoping he is now. He will disappoint you on a few things, sure.  But he will impress you and love you and support you on more important things you're not even smart enough to worry about yet.  He'll be what you didn't even know to hope for in a husband. He's going to be ready for kids way before you are (a twist neither of you could possibly see coming now), but he will be patient and he won't rush you, so don't feel like you have to get ready before you really are.  Plus, you need many many years to agree on baby names.

23.) Don't be so nervous about starting a family.  Motherhood will be the most natural thing you've ever done.  Trust your instincts, and stop reading all those parenting books.  They're not helping you (or society).  You're going to be a good mommy.  When you're ready, a little baby boy will come into your life and you'll never be the same.  Don't be scared of that baby boy. (You can be scared of the labor, though. Be assertive insistent about the epidural!)

24.) When you get pregnant again, unexpectedly, try to be more joyful than fearful.  You won't be ready to feel that, but try anyway.  That pregnancy will turn into the best most beautiful child you can imagine.  And it's a girl!  You'll want a daughter so badly, and she will be everything you hoped and dreamed a daughter could be, and she will be the one who truly solidifies your place in this world as Mommy.

25.) In eight years, a guy named Nathan will take a job at your church; befriend him.  Take a moment to stop being so self-absorbed about that pregnancy you're terrified of, and welcome him.  Don't assume someone else is doing it.  He'll turn out to be a great listener and an amazing and helpful friend, and pretty much your favorite person in Raleigh (yep, you'll live in Raleigh, did I mention that?)... Don't waste that first six months he's here without getting to know him, and don't wait on Mark to invite him to dinner before reaching out on your own. He's super.

26.) Keep swimming.  You love it, and it's good for you, and it's maybe the only form of exercise that you won't feel like a doofus doing in front of other people.

27.) Love everyone, recklessly.  You will spend a healthy chunk of the next few years wrestling with guilt for loving folks whom some people would like you to believe God doesn't want you to love.  Those people are wrong.  Go ahead, talk it out, think it out, ask lots of questions and do lots of reading, but eventually please tune everyone out except God.  And love everyone.

28.) You won't believe it, but you will learn to feel cute in your glasses.  There will come a day when you have to pay for your own contacts, and you'll find you can't afford them if you also want groceries.  So after a decade of hating your specs, you will start wearing them on an everyday (in public!) basis.  And you'll discover it suits your personality better anyway. 

29.) Don't let "but it's hard" be an excuse for not getting things done and done well.  Sometimes things are hard, and you still have to do them.  You should still want to do them.  They will be worth the effort.  Don't believe people who say "it shouldn't have to be this hard."  Yes, sometimes it does.  You are so much more capable than you know, and you can totally do it.

30.) Don't be in too much of a rush.  As nervous as you are now about entering your twenties, they will go by fast.  You don't have to do everything right away.  The years are fast, so let the hours and days be slow.  Enjoy them for what they are.  Stop being in such a hurry all the time, and live in the now.  You'll be thirty before you know it.

L,E