Beanie: One Year Later

It was one year ago today that I peed on a stick and cried. One year ago today that I stared dumbfounded at my midsection and wondered how there could already be another baby in there when I was still carrying around that fat roll (or two) from the first one. One year ago today that Mark hugged me, grinned even though I was sobbing (and I am not a pretty cryer, people... picture a red face and copious amounts of snot and tears), and told me he was happy, and even excited, to have another baby.

It was one year ago today that he rubbed my round-but-not-from-the-pregnancy-yet belly and said, "Hi Beanie, it's Daddy," and in doing so, unknowingly christened our daughter with her in-utero name.

It would be weeks before I told people about the pregnancy, and months before I truly embraced the fact that I was going to be a mother of two, and almost a year before I felt ready to be a mother of two. (Because that feeling might have come only like ten minutes or so ago.)

I asked Nathan this week, "where's Beanie?" and he just stared at me blankly and repeated the question. He doesn't even remember Beanie. I don't know why that makes me sad, exactly, but it does. Maybe because although it was a hard mental transition for me, it was also the start of Anneliese's life, so I don't want any of us to forget about her Beanie days.

It's painful for me to remember how I felt a year ago today, but at the same time I don't want to rose-tint the memory. That is how I felt, and I don't want to lie about it, even to myself, in my own memories. But part of the reason it's so painful is that I was so, so, so dumb and so, so, so selfish to not be excited for the beautiful life growing inside me, the life that would turn into my beautiful daughter. My daughter. My sweet little Anneliese.

Now I definitely want her. I want her with me pretty much all the time, actually. I love her. I'm really glad God knew what I wanted better than I did. And I feel pretty foolish for not bursting into a big joyful laugh when I peed on that stick last year, because that's how I feel about my Beanie now. I can't imagine life without her, nor do I want to.