Addicted to Baby TV

I've recently gotten completely sucked into that new baby show on Lifetime, One Born Every Minute.  It's the newest manifestation of a trend that for me started with A Baby Story, and over the years has included Deliver Me, Birth Day, Adoption Story, Special Delivery, and even (don't judge) I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. 

I know I should probably stop watching.  Birth stories in real life don't actually neatly tie themselves up in time for the end of a tv episode, and the notion of a baby finally in a mommy's arms is the end of the story is off the mark too.  But... I just can't look away.

Five reasons I am completely addicted: 

1.) I am simply a sucker for a good birth story.  I read them online, I drink them in on tv, I hang onto every word after each of my friends has a baby.  I love it.  Every labor is different, every story is different, every family and hospital and situation is different.  Maybe for some people, it's a lot of the same thing, but oh not for me.  Anyone who has a birth story I haven't heard, call me.  I will relive every minute with you.  In legitimate fascination.

2.) Dads in the delivery room are never not hilarious.  The ones who are freaked out by their wives' down there parts all babyfied, the ones who don't seem fazed at all and stare in gory fascination, the ones who cry the whole time, the ones who complain that their chairs are uncomfortable or they're tired (really guys? really??), the ones who pass out at the sight of the mess, the ones who are sweetly (but usually naively) over-educated about birthing and have all sorts of their own ideas, the ones who are clearly terrified of their laboring wives, the ones who can't put down the cameras, the ones who stand by uselessly and look dazed and confused... I love 'em all.  Endless entertainment on the daddy front.

3.) I secretly love it when moms go into their deliveries all set with fancy birth plans and talking the big talk about going all natural and having an unmedicated birth, and then they cave when they see how much it really hurts.  Yes, I know that's a little bit terrible.  No, I am not opposed to natural births or the moms who go for that, and I'm genuinely happy for any mom who gets exactly what she was hoping for out of her delivery.  But really, I just adore rolling my eyes at the first timers who are so sure of what they will want and need.  I have so much more respect for the moms who go in saying they want to try it a certain way, but seem to have an understanding that sometimes things don't go how people plan them.  But the first-timers on a preachy pedestal about it?  Not cool.  Because here's the thing about labor pains: until you've actually done it, you don't even know.  The ones who come in on a high horse, I kind of love to see them knocked off.  Don't talk the big talk unless you know what you're talking about, mmkay?

4.) I am an awesome armchair childbirth quarterback.  Seriously, I'm an expert.  (I've done it twice.  That makes me an expert, right?)  I love fussing at the nurses I hate, praising the ones I love, questioning a mom's refusal to take a nap once the epidural is in (sleep! this is your last chance!!!), yelling at her to stand up for herself when she needs something that isn't happening, explaining to her what her cervix is doing and what that means for her in terms of contractions and timing, what her back labor means and how to manage it, encouraging them not to get scared (sunny side up? no big deal, you can do it!), and most of all throwing in my two cents about the terrible baby name choices some parents make.  I'm an excellent supervisor.  From where I'm sitting (on my couch, not in their actual lives), it really looks like I should be in charge of all these births.  Just sayin'.

5.) I'm juuuust foolishly sentimental enough that the sight of a baby being born and crying for the first time and the tearful chorus of happy birthdays coming from anyone in the room... oh man it makes me cry every. single. time.  It doesn't matter if I've been invested in the show for an hour, or just caught the last thirty seconds and final push, it never doesn't hit me.  Hard.